Hi, I’m Trish. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I have victory through Christ in the areas of sexual purity & love addiction. Recovery…I’ve never had problems with alcohol or drugs, so what could I possibly need to recover from? Neither of my parents had drug or alcohol issues, nor was there ever a lack of love in my family. We’ve always been very close & have never been shy about showing affection openly towards each other. I’ve always admired my parents’ relationship, especially because this year they’ll celebrate their 47th wedding anniversary. I suppose my answer can be found by stretching my memory all the way back to Kindergarten, where I distinctly recall saying to someone, “See that boy? I’m gonna marry him someday.” I was 5 years old! What could have possessed me to say something like that?! Turns out, that was only the beginning of my deep need for emotional closeness. I also remember a slumber party at a girl’s house in 4th grade that helped perpetuate my need for physical closeness. Her parents were out & she wanted to be cool, so there we were: a bunch of 9- & 10-year-old girls sitting in a circle, giggling as she brought out a sex book that was popular at the time. The way that book made me feel physically led to an insatiable curiosity about pornography. I didn’t understand why it had affected me the way it did, but I sought out adult magazines & videos every chance I got. Looking back, it’s pretty scary that my hormones were already kicking in at such a young age. By 5th grade I also had a sort of “flavor of the month” attitude towards boys: not a day went by that I wasn’t into someone. Sixth grade brought my first celebrity crush: the lead singer in the band that would eventually lead me to my salvation. Queen became the center of my world & with that, began my long history of gravitating toward rock stars (& the occasional actor) & convincing myself that I was in love with them. They became a safety net for me because in my amazingly vivid imagination they could be anything I wanted them to be & they could never hurt me…or so I thought. That realization came many years later, along with the truth that I had some expensive hobbies! I went to Catholic school for 7th grade, but did all the talk of God help me find the true love I was endlessly seeking? No. I always believed in God, & my mom taught my brother & me to pray at bedtime when we were very young, but I knew nothing about John 3:16, how “God so loved the world that He gave His one & only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” If only I knew then what I know now! In 8th grade my obvious interest in guys got to the point where a friend told me one day that if I kept going the way I was, I’d be pregnant by the time I was 16. Where’d she come up with that?! It’s not like I was having sex with any of these guys. I couldn’t even get any of them to ask me out…not that I should’ve been dating at that age anyway. I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to forget the merciless teasing I’d endured all through elementary school that had caused major insecurities about myself physically. One example that is still with me to this day happened in sixth grade, when a girl came up to me and told me that another girl in our class was a lesbian and had a huge crush on me. Yeah, kids were cruel. I remember hoping the summers would fly by so school would start & maybe I’d finally have a boyfriend. Porn continued to be a large part of my life as did my emotional attachments to guys I could never have, & the frustration of those constant dead ends began to wear on my heart. Not to mention the pain caused by well-meaning friends who constantly told me that I was obsessed or infatuated with these guys & to “get over it.” I was deeply hurt & offended by these comments because in my twisted reality I was truly in love, so don’t tell me how I feel! I finally got my 1st real boyfriend in 10th grade, but it wasn’t until my next relationship the following year that I lost my virginity. I was almost 17, & boy, did sex turn out to be a disappointment! Oh well, I still had porn & my awesome imagination, right? I did continue to have sex, but only in the confines of a committed relationship. I felt like that was the right way to live my life: I wanted to be in love with a guy before I slept with him. When I was in my early 20s, I got engaged to a musician. A real-life musician had asked me to marry him! …But only after my best friend at the time turned him down. Regardless, I thought all my dreams had come true. After 3 years of fighting over my deep insecurities & constant fear that he was looking at other girls & cheating on me, we broke up & I went the next 4.5 years without sex…but infatuations with the musicians I couldn’t have were ever-present. In late 1997 I met another real life musician who spent the next 3.5 years destroying me emotionally. By that point in my life I was very lonely & felt like I needed to be with someone in order to be complete, even someone who called me horrible names, blatantly stared at other girls right in front of me, & cheated on me. With this guy, my fears were fully justified. He didn’t care that I was painfully insecure, that I’d always seen myself as “the good-looking girl’s best friend.” In fact, before I’d met any of his family, we went to his parents’ house one day and he made me sit in the car while he went in. Later I found out that it was because he was embarrassed about how I looked. I endured this treatment & was so afraid of losing this guy that I was actually changing who I was so that he’d still want to be with me. Early on, I allowed him to move into my small one-bedroom apartment with me and my two cats, and he soon made it abundantly clear that he thought cats were filthy animals that belonged outside. I thought if I lost this guy I’d never find anyone else, so when we moved into a two-bedroom house a couple months later, I let him talk me into putting my two indoor-only cats outside. That ended tragically, with one cat, my dad’s orange tabby OJ, disappearing and my black “son” Jasper needing to be put to sleep because the neighbor’s dog got him. I loved Jasper like he really was my child and was so messed up over his loss that I missed three days of work. I’d also decided that I would never again put a guy before my pets. I almost lost myself for good before I found the strength to leave him, which happened after he made light of the fact that I lost a friend on 9/11. I was so miserable that I’d even grown to resent porn because of how this guy used it to make me feel completely worthless, and I wondered on a daily basis why he had stayed with me if he liked those kinds of girls so much. He’d even told me after we broke up that although I wasn’t the best looking girlfriend he’d ever had, I was the BEST girlfriend he’d ever had. Gee, thanks. I dug myself even deeper into my imaginary relationships with “unattainables,” & went the next 2 years without sex. I also began my “hobby” of spending tons of money on roadtrips to see my favorite musicians perform. Really, I was hoping they’d see what a cool girl I was & they’d fall in love with me. Insanity is defined as “doing the same thing over & over, each time expecting a different result.” My insanity once came in the form of a 2000 mile roadtrip alone in my truck to see the same guy do 6 shows in 7 days. In August of 2003 I met a guy online who was 7 years younger than myself. He treated me like a princess & made me feel like a queen in bed. I fell fast & hard, but 3 months later he decided he couldn’t date me anymore. I cried every day for 2 weeks & wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I find & keep a decent relationship? By that point, I’d pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my fantasy world would be the only place I’d ever have real love. But after 2 months of not talking to this guy in order to get over him, he & I began a “friends-with-benefits” situation that lasted for the next 12 months. In October, the grocery union went on strike, cutting off the steady income I’d had for the previous 15 years, & by the end of November I was pretty much broke. A friend of mine told me that his employer was looking for an intern, so I called & found out that it was a paid internship. And guess what! It turned out to be the best job I'd ever had, not to mention the best paying. I even quit my job at the grocery store. I went full-force into this new venture & began what I call my "wild phase." See, this job was at a studio in the porn industry, & considering my past, um, “interest” in porn, the move seemed only natural. I began as a PA & onset photographer, & by the end of that 1st year I’d learned how to edit the scenes. But that wasn't the best part: I mean, there I was, surrounded by all these beautiful girls, & the guys were giving ME attention! ME!! That elusive attention I’d always longed for but never had was finally mine! I embraced it with all the enthusiasm & passion that I’ve always possessed & began doing things I'd only ever done when I had a steady boyfriend: horribly sinful things that gave me a sense of power over these guys. I didn’t even care that I wasn’t in love with any of them. Occasionally I would hear about a girl quitting the industry because she’d “found God” or “found Jesus.” I would always laugh & say, “I didn’t know He was lost. What, was He hiding behind the sofa?” I SO didn’t get it. In September of 2004, 10 months into my newfound sexual freedom, everything changed. I went to Vegas with my best friend (woo, more money spent on my hobby!), & we sat front row center for a musical called “We Will Rock You,” which was based on the hits of my all-time favorite band, Queen. It was during that show that I came face to face with the beginning of the rest of my life: a singer named Tony Vincent. He had the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard, but I hesitated in buying his 3 CDs when I found out it was “Christian” music. Yeah, not so much. Eventually I caved, simply because I needed to hear that voice regardless of price or lyrical content. It was a sure sign that I was beginning to crush on yet another guy I could never be with, but this turned out to be the worst one yet. In October a friend of mine lost his dad to a heart attack. At the wake were printed copies of the beautiful eulogy, so I took one & on the back I found the “love” chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. I stopped midway into the 1st line because I recognized what I was reading. Wait…what? Then it hit me: Tony has a song called “Far Cry,” which is a rewording of that same chapter! I was a little more than freaked out to suddenly realize that Tony’s music in my life was God’s way of sneaking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, & whispering, “Hi. You don’t know Me, but you will.” He knew that because of the passion I’ve always had for music, that music was the only way He’d be able to reach me. I became deeply intrigued by Christianity & immediately ended my friends-with-benefits relationship & stopped doing all those sinful things I’d been doing at work…but I kept my editing job. Somehow I knew that God was keeping me there for a reason, & when it was time to get out He’d let me know. I even had a guy ask me on a shoot one day why I was “acting so weird.” Weird meaning I was keeping my hands to myself. In November I wanted to buy my first Bible, but it had to be pink, and when I got to the Christian bookstore, there it was: the last pink Bible in stock, waiting just for me! Then, in January of 2005, while browsing through a Hallmark store, it hit me that my St. Patrick’s Day birthday + the shamrock = the Holy Trinity. I cried at the realization that my whole life had been leading up to this point, & that Jesus had made His way into my heart. I wanted to find a church, & in the middle of Summer that year I felt the call to get baptized…but not in a pool. I wanted something different, like a river or a lake. Both prayers were answered simultaneously when the Lord’s name caught my peripheral vision on a Church at Rocky Peak bulletin discarded on a pile of papers in my apartment’s parking lot. I took the bulletin upstairs & read through it…and on the back page was the paragraph that talked about the annual Beach Baptism at Zuma. Again, I was in tears at God’s attention to me. I got baptized in the Pacific Ocean on September 11, 2005, exactly 1 year after ordering Tony’s CDs from his website. I began attending Rocky Peak regularly & joined a Singles LifeGroup right away, spending 3 years as co-leader. I continued telling myself that I was in love with Tony Vincent, & not only drove to Vegas 13 times in 1 year to see him perform, but also compulsively spent money on a trip to London to see him in December of 2005. That, my friends, is the essence of insanity. In fact, my little jaunt to England almost got me fired, which, looking back, wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing. When I got back to work after that trip, my boss pulled me into his office with a couple coworkers for an intervention, telling me that I was “taking this fan thing a little too far.” Why didn’t anyone understand me? Eventually James 4:8 made its way into my life through deliberatePeople, which is the music ministry of Phil and Heather Joel, Phil being the former bass player for the Christian group Newsboys (& another of my many “phases”). “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” The Lord was speaking to me through Phil, & Phil’s song “jealous,” which is based on the Book of Hosea, made me see that it’s a huge deal to God that we let go of our idols & make Him our Top Priority. Like Israel, my heart had played the harlot, & the pain & frustration of choosing unattainables became utterly unbearable by December of 2006. I’d tried getting over Tony on my own as well as through the help of friends, but nothing seemed to be working. So God grabbed me by the scruff of the neck & forced me into solitude for almost 3 weeks to pour out my heart & tears to Him, & Him alone. After nonstop prayer & a 9-day-long migraine caused by endless sobs that wracked me to the core, I was finally free of the idols who’d been keeping me from loving the only One I should’ve been loving all along, & for the first time since I could remember, I wasn’t infatuated with anyone! The Lord had helped me realize that I was never in love with ANY of my rock stars: it was simply infatuation & obsession, just like everyone had always tried to tell me! I joyfully embraced my role as a Bride of Christ & fell deeply in love with Him: the true, pure love I know I was made for. On January first, 2007, I began a one-year Bible reading schedule through deliberatePeople, which I faithfully maintained from start to finish. But in the face of the Lord’s victory in me, the enemy threw a monkey wrench in His whole program that came in the form of major lust for a coworker. It became a huge struggle for me to keep my hands to myself, & I was relieved to hear about a new ministry at Rocky Peak that was starting at the end of January called Celebrate Recovery, which isn’t just for people struggling with drugs or alcohol. A perfect example of God’s perfect timing! In CR I found acceptance & understanding from the amazing leaders as well as the other participants. While I’m guessing I was the only person at CR who held a job in hardcore porn, there were other people who shared my struggles with purity & the need to feel loved: I wasn’t alone! As I learned more & more about what it means to be a follower of Christ & what it means to be in recovery (realizing that I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him), the more I realized that I couldn't continue to think of porn editing as "just a job." I was persecuted for my faith on a daily basis; I had guys constantly trying to talk me into going back to my old ways; I was even encouraged to "just get it out of your system" regarding the lust issues with my coworker. Not cool. I struggled daily to remain pure in that horribly "free" environment. I wore my pink John 3:16 shirt to work on Valentine's Day 2007 & got a lot of flack for it. No surprise there. No one understood how I could work in porn & wear a shirt with a Bible verse on it, even the one that talks about the ultimate gift of Love. Those people tried to make me feel like such a hypocrite. I decided that it was indeed time to begin looking for a new job, but I went about it half-heartedly & nothing materialized. A girl I know who’s now been out of the industry for 11 years told me that she just up & quit one day, & that maybe I'd need to do the same. I didn’t feel ready for such a drastic step. The week of March 19th was especially difficult & I completely broke down at CR that Friday night, to the point where I couldn't go to my open-share group. That same night God provided me a financial resource to hold me over until I found another job in the event that I did indeed decide to quit. Even so, I felt a huge amount of fear, since I’d never left a job without having another one lined up. But during that weekend’s message God spoke to me through the pastor, saying that I needed to “ruthlessly eliminate any known sin,” “take the next step of obedience,” & “trust that God can handle the rest.” It was time. So on Monday morning, March 26th, 2007, with NO fear, NO second guesses, NO hesitation, just COMPLETE faith & trust in my Lord, I gave my notice, and my last day as a video editor in the adult entertainment industry was Friday, the 13th of April, 2007! I know God’s timing is always perfect, because 2 days after I gave my notice, my mom told me that she was having foot surgery the very week following my last day of work, & I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to give back to my mom for all the times she took care of me. I was unemployed for a year, but on the 1 year anniversary of me quitting the studio, God provided me a great job working for a cool boss who went to Rocky Peak. While working the steps in CR I found that I was able to give a name to my old habits of chronic daydreaming & obsessing over guys I knew I could never be with: it’s called Love Addiction. In 2008, I read a book about it, which helped me trace the origin of my issue: due to peer rejection as a kid, I developed what’s called “attachment hunger.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I also learned that I have a pattern in my love addiction that starts with attraction, leads to fascination, then infatuation, into obsession, & finally depression. The cycle begins anew when someone else comes along to distract me from the current cause of depression. In early 2007, I began my cycle yet again, but this time with someone more attainable, someone at church, someone in the worship band. “Bob” quickly became an infatuation & I made sure he knew who I was. As the deep infatuation became deeper obsession, I found that I could no longer concentrate on worshiping God any time Bob was onstage. My sponsor suggested I take drastic steps in order to find healing, so I stood in the lobby during worship whenever Bob was playing so I couldn’t see him, & there was also to be no contact unless he initiated it. But the healing wasn’t coming. I finally hit rock bottom the end of August 2008, crying uncontrollably during the entire hour of open share at CR. I was deep in the depression stage. On my way home that night, God whispered to me the most drastic step of all: spill my guts to Bob about my addiction, come clean with him about my obsession, confess my sin to him. Even with that, true healing would only come if I cut off all contact with Bob, no matter what. So I turned around & went to his work, not knowing if he’d even be there. I found his car & waited for him to come out - an hour & a half later. We talked for close to 30 minutes, me telling him through my tears the truth about the saddest part of being me. After explaining why I was hurting so deeply & that it wasn’t his fault, it was time to get to the point. I proceeded to ask the most beautiful boy in church to please no longer acknowledge me: no looking my way, no smiling at me, no waving at me, & certainly no more hugs. It hurt like I’d just broken up with someone. He completely understood why it had to be this way & respected my request 100%. Four months later, on Christmas Eve, God allowed me the opportunity to give Bob a Christmas card & none of my old feelings came back, praise Jesus! Even Bob’s good-bye hug when I told him I was leaving SoCal didn’t stir those thoughts! The road out of love addiction has been an extremely bumpy rollercoaster, & the enemy continually tries to trip me up, to the point where, in late 2009/early 2010, I had to fast 40 days from contact with a good friend in order to eliminate a crush I was developing on him. A month after dealing with that, I got sideswiped by someone I initially saw as my 1st true “hero”: I watched a world-famous athlete make a comeback from a gnarly injury as I was recovering from my own injury in the same sport. Hero? No, not really. Obsession? Sadly, yes…and a hardcore one at that, especially for the 1st year. The first few months of 2011 were rough in this area, but the Lord gave me strength to delete from my computer a folder containing over 1300 photos of Mr. Athlete, as well as being able to distance myself from people who were inadvertently feeding my addiction. I have other tools to cope, like Ephesians 6:10~18, which gives me the full armor of God. Deuteronomy 13:4 is also a tremendous help: “It is the Lord your God you must follow, & Him you must revere. Keep His commands & obey Him, serve Him & hold fast to Him.” HOLD FAST. I know I could never in my most vivid daydreams come up with anything nearly as amazing as any of the things God has planned for my life. He proves that over & over, including opening doors for me to leave my native SoCal almost 4 years ago & live here in the beautiful PNW, as well as the tests that had begun to take place when God blessed me with the 1 man on earth worthy of my love - a man with whom I shared a 1st kiss over 27 years ago! It’s my personal fairy tale come true, & nothing short of an absolute miracle! I used to live by the world’s standard that it’s ok to have sex if you simply love someone, but I’m no longer of the world, am I? I held fast to the promise I made 11 years ago to remain pure until my wedding night, because Jesus had convinced me that my love is indeed worth waiting for: after all, He Himself waited 35 years for it! Friends, recovery isn’t easy or quick. It takes tenacity, work, & the love of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave it all for us. Give Him your hurts, habits, & hang-ups at Celebrate Recovery, & He will show you the path to true freedom. Thank you for letting me share.
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