Saturday, July 30, 2011

Celebrate Recovery Testimony ~ Director's Cut

Hi, I’m Trish. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I have victory through Christ in the areas of sexual purity & love addiction. Recovery…I’ve never had problems with alcohol or drugs, so what could I possibly need to recover from? Neither of my parents had drug or alcohol issues, nor was there ever a lack of love in my family. We’ve always been very close & have never been shy about showing affection openly towards each other. I’ve always admired my parents’ relationship, especially because this year they’ll celebrate their 47th wedding anniversary. I suppose my answer can be found by stretching my memory all the way back to Kindergarten, where I distinctly recall saying to someone, “See that boy? I’m gonna marry him someday.” I was 5 years old! What could have possessed me to say something like that?! Turns out, that was only the beginning of my deep need for emotional closeness. I also remember a slumber party at a girl’s house in 4th grade that helped perpetuate my need for physical closeness. Her parents were out & she wanted to be cool, so there we were: a bunch of 9- & 10-year-old girls sitting in a circle, giggling as she brought out a sex book that was popular at the time. The way that book made me feel physically led to an insatiable curiosity about pornography. I didn’t understand why it had affected me the way it did, but I sought out adult magazines & videos every chance I got. Looking back, it’s pretty scary that my hormones were already kicking in at such a young age. By 5th grade I also had a sort of “flavor of the month” attitude towards boys: not a day went by that I wasn’t into someone. Sixth grade brought my first celebrity crush: the lead singer in the band that would eventually lead me to my salvation. Queen became the center of my world & with that, began my long history of gravitating toward rock stars (& the occasional actor) & convincing myself that I was in love with them. They became a safety net for me because in my amazingly vivid imagination they could be anything I wanted them to be & they could never hurt me…or so I thought. That realization came many years later, along with the truth that I had some expensive hobbies! I went to Catholic school for 7th grade, but did all the talk of God help me find the true love I was endlessly seeking? No. I always believed in God, & my mom taught my brother & me to pray at bedtime when we were very young, but I knew nothing about John 3:16, how “God so loved the world that He gave His one & only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” If only I knew then what I know now! In 8th grade my obvious interest in guys got to the point where a friend told me one day that if I kept going the way I was, I’d be pregnant by the time I was 16. Where’d she come up with that?! It’s not like I was having sex with any of these guys. I couldn’t even get any of them to ask me out…not that I should’ve been dating at that age anyway. I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to forget the merciless teasing I’d endured all through elementary school that had caused major insecurities about myself physically. One example that is still with me to this day happened in sixth grade, when a girl came up to me and told me that another girl in our class was a lesbian and had a huge crush on me. Yeah, kids were cruel. I remember hoping the summers would fly by so school would start & maybe I’d finally have a boyfriend. Porn continued to be a large part of my life as did my emotional attachments to guys I could never have, & the frustration of those constant dead ends began to wear on my heart. Not to mention the pain caused by well-meaning friends who constantly told me that I was obsessed or infatuated with these guys & to “get over it.” I was deeply hurt & offended by these comments because in my twisted reality I was truly in love, so don’t tell me how I feel! I finally got my 1st real boyfriend in 10th grade, but it wasn’t until my next relationship the following year that I lost my virginity. I was almost 17, & boy, did sex turn out to be a disappointment! Oh well, I still had porn & my awesome imagination, right? I did continue to have sex, but only in the confines of a committed relationship. I felt like that was the right way to live my life: I wanted to be in love with a guy before I slept with him. When I was in my early 20s, I got engaged to a musician. A real-life musician had asked me to marry him! …But only after my best friend at the time turned him down. Regardless, I thought all my dreams had come true. After 3 years of fighting over my deep insecurities & constant fear that he was looking at other girls & cheating on me, we broke up & I went the next 4.5 years without sex…but infatuations with the musicians I couldn’t have were ever-present. In late 1997 I met another real life musician who spent the next 3.5 years destroying me emotionally. By that point in my life I was very lonely & felt like I needed to be with someone in order to be complete, even someone who called me horrible names, blatantly stared at other girls right in front of me, & cheated on me. With this guy, my fears were fully justified. He didn’t care that I was painfully insecure, that I’d always seen myself as “the good-looking girl’s best friend.” In fact, before I’d met any of his family, we went to his parents’ house one day and he made me sit in the car while he went in. Later I found out that it was because he was embarrassed about how I looked. I endured this treatment & was so afraid of losing this guy that I was actually changing who I was so that he’d still want to be with me. Early on, I allowed him to move into my small one-bedroom apartment with me and my two cats, and he soon made it abundantly clear that he thought cats were filthy animals that belonged outside. I thought if I lost this guy I’d never find anyone else, so when we moved into a two-bedroom house a couple months later, I let him talk me into putting my two indoor-only cats outside. That ended tragically, with one cat, my dad’s orange tabby OJ, disappearing and my black “son” Jasper needing to be put to sleep because the neighbor’s dog got him. I loved Jasper like he really was my child and was so messed up over his loss that I missed three days of work. I’d also decided that I would never again put a guy before my pets. I almost lost myself for good before I found the strength to leave him, which happened after he made light of the fact that I lost a friend on 9/11. I was so miserable that I’d even grown to resent porn because of how this guy used it to make me feel completely worthless, and I wondered on a daily basis why he had stayed with me if he liked those kinds of girls so much. He’d even told me after we broke up that although I wasn’t the best looking girlfriend he’d ever had, I was the BEST girlfriend he’d ever had. Gee, thanks. I dug myself even deeper into my imaginary relationships with “unattainables,” & went the next 2 years without sex. I also began my “hobby” of spending tons of money on roadtrips to see my favorite musicians perform. Really, I was hoping they’d see what a cool girl I was & they’d fall in love with me. Insanity is defined as “doing the same thing over & over, each time expecting a different result.”  My insanity once came in the form of a 2000 mile roadtrip alone in my truck to see the same guy do 6 shows in 7 days. In August of 2003 I met a guy online who was 7 years younger than myself. He treated me like a princess & made me feel like a queen in bed. I fell fast & hard, but 3 months later he decided he couldn’t date me anymore. I cried every day for 2 weeks & wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I find & keep a decent relationship? By that point, I’d pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my fantasy world would be the only place I’d ever have real love. But after 2 months of not talking to this guy in order to get over him, he & I began a “friends-with-benefits” situation that lasted for the next 12 months. In October, the grocery union went on strike, cutting off the steady income I’d had for the previous 15 years, & by the end of November I was pretty much broke. A friend of mine told me that his employer was looking for an intern, so I called & found out that it was a paid internship. And guess what! It turned out to be the best job I'd ever had, not to mention the best paying. I even quit my job at the grocery store. I went full-force into this new venture & began what I call my "wild phase." See, this job was at a studio in the porn industry, & considering my past, um, “interest” in porn, the move seemed only natural. I began as a PA & onset photographer, & by the end of that 1st year I’d learned how to edit the scenes. But that wasn't the best part: I mean, there I was, surrounded by all these beautiful girls, & the guys were giving ME attention! ME!! That elusive attention I’d always longed for but never had was finally mine! I embraced it with all the enthusiasm & passion that I’ve always possessed & began doing things I'd only ever done when I had a steady boyfriend: horribly sinful things that gave me a sense of power over these guys. I didn’t even care that I wasn’t in love with any of them. Occasionally I would hear about a girl quitting the industry because she’d “found God” or “found Jesus.” I would always laugh & say, “I didn’t know He was lost. What, was He hiding behind the sofa?” I SO didn’t get it. In September of 2004, 10 months into my newfound sexual freedom, everything changed. I went to Vegas with my best friend (woo, more money spent on my hobby!), & we sat front row center for a musical called “We Will Rock You,” which was based on the hits of my all-time favorite band, Queen. It was during that show that I came face to face with the beginning of the rest of my life: a singer named Tony Vincent. He had the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard, but I hesitated in buying his 3 CDs when I found out it was “Christian” music. Yeah, not so much. Eventually I caved, simply because I needed to hear that voice regardless of price or lyrical content. It was a sure sign that I was beginning to crush on yet another guy I could never be with, but this turned out to be the worst one yet. In October a friend of mine lost his dad to a heart attack. At the wake were printed copies of the beautiful eulogy, so I took one & on the back I found the “love” chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. I stopped midway into the 1st line because I recognized what I was reading. Wait…what? Then it hit me: Tony has a song called “Far Cry,” which is a rewording of that same chapter! I was a little more than freaked out to suddenly realize that Tony’s music in my life was God’s way of sneaking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, & whispering, “Hi. You don’t know Me, but you will.” He knew that because of the passion I’ve always had for music, that music was the only way He’d be able to reach me. I became deeply intrigued by Christianity & immediately ended my friends-with-benefits relationship & stopped doing all those sinful things I’d been doing at work…but I kept my editing job. Somehow I knew that God was keeping me there for a reason, & when it was time to get out He’d let me know. I even had a guy ask me on a shoot one day why I was “acting so weird.” Weird meaning I was keeping my hands to myself. In November I wanted to buy my first Bible, but it had to be pink, and when I got to the Christian bookstore, there it was: the last pink Bible in stock, waiting just for me! Then, in January of 2005, while browsing through a Hallmark store, it hit me that my St. Patrick’s Day birthday + the shamrock = the Holy Trinity. I cried at the realization that my whole life had been leading up to this point, & that Jesus had made His way into my heart. I wanted to find a church, & in the middle of Summer that year I felt the call to get baptized…but not in a pool. I wanted something different, like a river or a lake. Both prayers were answered simultaneously when the Lord’s name caught my peripheral vision on a Church at Rocky Peak bulletin discarded on a pile of papers in my apartment’s parking lot. I took the bulletin upstairs & read through it…and on the back page was the paragraph that talked about the annual Beach Baptism at Zuma. Again, I was in tears at God’s attention to me. I got baptized in the Pacific Ocean on September 11, 2005, exactly 1 year after ordering Tony’s CDs from his website. I began attending Rocky Peak regularly & joined a Singles LifeGroup right away, spending 3 years as co-leader. I continued telling myself that I was in love with Tony Vincent, & not only drove to Vegas 13 times in 1 year to see him perform, but also compulsively spent money on a trip to London to see him in December of 2005. That, my friends, is the essence of insanity. In fact, my little jaunt to England almost got me fired, which, looking back, wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing. When I got back to work after that trip, my boss pulled me into his office with a couple coworkers for an intervention, telling me that I was “taking this fan thing a little too far.” Why didn’t anyone understand me? Eventually James 4:8 made its way into my life through deliberatePeople, which is the music ministry of Phil and Heather Joel, Phil being the former bass player for the Christian group Newsboys (& another of my many “phases”). “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” The Lord was speaking to me through Phil, & Phil’s song “jealous,” which is based on the Book of Hosea, made me see that it’s a huge deal to God that we let go of our idols & make Him our Top Priority. Like Israel, my heart had played the harlot, & the pain & frustration of choosing unattainables became utterly unbearable by December of 2006. I’d tried getting over Tony on my own as well as through the help of friends, but nothing seemed to be working. So God grabbed me by the scruff of the neck & forced me into solitude for almost 3 weeks to pour out my heart & tears to Him, & Him alone. After nonstop prayer & a 9-day-long migraine caused by endless sobs that wracked me to the core, I was finally free of the idols who’d been keeping me from loving the only One I should’ve been loving all along, & for the first time since I could remember, I wasn’t infatuated with anyone! The Lord had helped me realize that I was never in love with ANY of my rock stars: it was simply infatuation & obsession, just like everyone had always tried to tell me! I joyfully embraced my role as a Bride of Christ & fell deeply in love with Him: the true, pure love I know I was made for. On January first, 2007, I began a one-year Bible reading schedule through deliberatePeople, which I faithfully maintained from start to finish. But in the face of the Lord’s victory in me, the enemy threw a monkey wrench in His whole program that came in the form of major lust for a coworker. It became a huge struggle for me to keep my hands to myself, & I was relieved to hear about a new ministry at Rocky Peak that was starting at the end of January called Celebrate Recovery, which isn’t just for people struggling with drugs or alcohol. A perfect example of God’s perfect timing! In CR I found acceptance & understanding from the amazing leaders as well as the other participants. While I’m guessing I was the only person at CR who held a job in hardcore porn, there were other people who shared my struggles with purity & the need to feel loved: I wasn’t alone! As I learned more & more about what it means to be a follower of Christ & what it means to be in recovery (realizing that I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him), the more I realized that I couldn't continue to think of porn editing as "just a job." I was persecuted for my faith on a daily basis; I had guys constantly trying to talk me into going back to my old ways; I was even encouraged to "just get it out of your system" regarding the lust issues with my coworker. Not cool. I struggled daily to remain pure in that horribly "free" environment. I wore my pink John 3:16 shirt to work on Valentine's Day 2007 & got a lot of flack for it. No surprise there. No one understood how I could work in porn & wear a shirt with a Bible verse on it, even the one that talks about the ultimate gift of Love. Those people tried to make me feel like such a hypocrite. I decided that it was indeed time to begin looking for a new job, but I went about it half-heartedly & nothing materialized. A girl I know who’s now been out of the industry for 11 years told me that she just up & quit one day, & that maybe I'd need to do the same. I didn’t feel ready for such a drastic step. The week of March 19th was especially difficult & I completely broke down at CR that Friday night, to the point where I couldn't go to my open-share group. That same night God provided me a financial resource to hold me over until I found another job in the event that I did indeed decide to quit. Even so, I felt a huge amount of fear, since I’d never left a job without having another one lined up. But during that weekend’s message God spoke to me through the pastor, saying that I needed to “ruthlessly eliminate any known sin,” “take the next step of obedience,” & “trust that God can handle the rest.” It was time. So on Monday morning, March 26th, 2007, with NO fear, NO second guesses, NO hesitation, just COMPLETE faith & trust in my Lord, I gave my notice, and my last day as a video editor in the adult entertainment industry was Friday, the 13th of April, 2007! I know God’s timing is always perfect, because 2 days after I gave my notice, my mom told me that she was having foot surgery the very week following my last day of work, & I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to give back to my mom for all the times she took care of me. I was unemployed for a year, but on the 1 year anniversary of me quitting the studio, God provided me a great job working for a cool boss who went to Rocky Peak. While working the steps in CR I found that I was able to give a name to my old habits of chronic daydreaming & obsessing over guys I knew I could never be with: it’s called Love Addiction. In 2008, I read a book about it, which helped me trace the origin of my issue: due to peer rejection as a kid, I developed what’s called “attachment hunger.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I also learned that I have a pattern in my love addiction that starts with attraction, leads to fascination, then infatuation, into obsession, & finally depression. The cycle begins anew when someone else comes along to distract me from the current cause of depression. In early 2007, I began my cycle yet again, but this time with someone more attainable, someone at church, someone in the worship band. “Bob” quickly became an infatuation & I made sure he knew who I was. As the deep infatuation became deeper obsession, I found that I could no longer concentrate on worshiping God any time Bob was onstage. My sponsor suggested I take drastic steps in order to find healing, so I stood in the lobby during worship whenever Bob was playing so I couldn’t see him, & there was also to be no contact unless he initiated it. But the healing wasn’t coming. I finally hit rock bottom the end of August 2008, crying uncontrollably during the entire hour of open share at CR. I was deep in the depression stage. On my way home that night, God whispered to me the most drastic step of all: spill my guts to Bob about my addiction, come clean with him about my obsession, confess my sin to him. Even with that, true healing would only come if I cut off all contact with Bob, no matter what. So I turned around & went to his work, not knowing if he’d even be there. I found his car & waited for him to come out - an hour & a half later. We talked for close to 30 minutes, me telling him through my tears the truth about the saddest part of being me. After explaining why I was hurting so deeply & that it wasn’t his fault, it was time to get to the point. I proceeded to ask the most beautiful boy in church to please no longer acknowledge me: no looking my way, no smiling at me, no waving at me, & certainly no more hugs. It hurt like I’d just broken up with someone. He completely understood why it had to be this way & respected my request 100%. Four months later, on Christmas Eve, God allowed me the opportunity to give Bob a Christmas card & none of my old feelings came back, praise Jesus! Even Bob’s good-bye hug when I told him I was leaving SoCal didn’t stir those thoughts! The road out of love addiction has been an extremely bumpy rollercoaster, & the enemy continually tries to trip me up, to the point where, in late 2009/early 2010, I had to fast 40 days from contact with a good friend in order to eliminate a crush I was developing on him. A month after dealing with that, I got sideswiped by someone I initially saw as my 1st true “hero”: I watched a world-famous athlete make a comeback from a gnarly injury as I was recovering from my own injury in the same sport. Hero? No, not really. Obsession? Sadly, yes…and a hardcore one at that, especially for the 1st year. The first few months of 2011 were rough in this area, but the Lord gave me strength to delete from my computer a folder containing over 1300 photos of Mr. Athlete, as well as being able to distance myself from people who were inadvertently feeding my addiction. I have other tools to cope, like Ephesians 6:10~18, which gives me the full armor of God. Deuteronomy 13:4 is also a tremendous help: “It is the Lord your God you must follow, & Him you must revere. Keep His commands & obey Him, serve Him & hold fast to Him.” HOLD FAST. I know I could never in my most vivid daydreams come up with anything nearly as amazing as any of the things God has planned for my life. He proves that over & over, including opening doors for me to leave my native SoCal almost 4 years ago & live here in the beautiful PNW, as well as the tests that had begun to take place when God blessed me with the 1 man on earth worthy of my love - a man with whom I shared a 1st kiss over 27 years ago! It’s my personal fairy tale come true, & nothing short of an absolute miracle! I used to live by the world’s standard that it’s ok to have sex if you simply love someone, but I’m no longer of the world, am I? I held fast to the promise I made 11 years ago to remain pure until my wedding night, because Jesus had convinced me that my love is indeed worth waiting for: after all, He Himself waited 35 years for it! Friends, recovery isn’t easy or quick. It takes tenacity, work, & the love of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave it all for us. Give Him your hurts, habits, & hang-ups at Celebrate Recovery, & He will show you the path to true freedom. Thank you for letting me share.

Happy 3 Months To Me!!!!

I've been involved with Goodwill Job Connections since mid-May, my "case worker" being an awesome lady named Marilyn. Marilyn and I hit it off immediately, and she's been extremely encouraging during my job search.

I was at one of the 30-minute workshops last week, and another lady who works at Job Connections told me that I "need to work for Goodwill." She suggested I look on the website to see if any cashier positions were open. I did, but there were no openings. After this week's workshop, I chatted with Marilyn for a few minutes, and she asked me to fill out a Goodwill application, and to make sure her name was on it as a reference. She also suggested I put a resume with it, because she's been telling various managers about me! I filled out the app and left it for Marilyn, then headed home.

Thursday early afternoon I got a call from the manager at the Goodwill in Fisher's Landing, which is Vancouver eastside. She told me that Marilyn had given her my resume and said I'd be a perfect fit as a cashier for the store...and would I be available for an interview the next morning at 11? YES!!!!!!!!

Friday 11 am:  I showed up for my interview, but the manager only had my resume. Apparently, Marilyn didn't give her the application I'd already filled out. I was a bit peeved that I had to take time to fill out another one, but thankfully I had all the info with me. When I was finished filling out app #2, the interview began. It lasted about an hour, the manager talking to me first, then the assistant manager coming in for a few minutes after that. I was given a 27 question math test...oh, great. Math is not my strong suit, so I was pretty stoked when I was told that I could use scratch paper and/or a calculator!! The manager came back in after I was finished (I checked that test twice!), and said that up to 5 wrong answers were allowed for a passing grade. I told her that it was pretty easy, except for one question that confused me. She asked which one, and I told her it was #6. She said that EVERYONE misses that question, because it had to do with balancing a till at the end of the night and the amount of cash that was made during the course of the shift. Turns out, I got it right!!!! In fact, I got 100% on the test!!!! YAY!!!! After the test, the manager said, "Well, I'm making you a contingent job offer!" SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! This job is a direct answer to prayer: PERMANENT, FULL-TIME, BENEFITS!!!!! I am beyond stoked for this, not just because it's a job, but because it's my area of expertise: face-to-face customer service!!

But first things first...I was sent Downtown to do a drug test. I need to pass that, as well as a criminal background check in order to be officially hired. Both records are 100% spotless, so all I need to do is wait for Corporate to get in touch with my manager to let her know I've passed the screens, then she can let me know where I need to go for training on Monday and Tuesday, August 8th and 9th. All I know is that it's in Portland (LOVE!!).  After that, I'm not sure when I'll actually be starting in the store, but I do know that my schedule will be pretty much set, with 2 consecutive days off each week...very cool!!! Yeah, Baby, yeah!!!

I am so thankful to God for this opportunity, and thankful for all the people who have been praying for me. I find it really neat that it happened on my 3-month anniversary of moving to the PNW...3 is a great number! ;-)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What The...?!

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but after that 3-hour phone call earlier tonight...wow.

My head is spinning and my heart is pounding. They say that God works in mysterious ways. Talk about an understatement!! *lol*

Thankfully, I've got a few people praying for me: praying for wisdom and the strength to be obedient to God's will for my life. And God has heard those prayers!! I had the courage and strength to be honest enough to say what was on my heart...and I know those words came from the Holy Spirit, because they were against what I really wanted. I've earned respect for speaking my mind. I like that. I like the rest of it as well. And that post on Facebook about the call...I like that a lot, especially since there are mutual acquaintances.

I'm thankful also for the "cushions" and "safety nets" of time and distance...for now. I consider those both to be huge blessings, because I need to process. I need to pray. I need to be sure. Wow. Sometimes I shake my head and whisper, "Wow." I mean, it's been a long time coming (ROGER SONG!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSH, IT TOTALLY FITS!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!), and I certainly don't believe in coincidence. These things are happening for a reason, and at this exact moment in time! Wow...

Lord, You know me better than I know myself...and I know You wouldn't have given me this if You thought I couldn't handle it. I will continue to look to You for wisdom, strength, and courage to do what You would have me do. After all, I am living for You. It feels really awesome to be able to say that, because it means that I'm not obsessing...dang, that feels SO good!! One day at a time, with Your help, Lord...and I'll be taking my 90-day chip next Sunday!! Yeah, that's good stuff. Help me remain focused on You, sweet Jesus...I love You so much!!

Oh, and Lord, please help me help those who would seek to know You better...especially because they want to do it for themselves, and not for me. But knowing that sharing my testimony has been the catalyst feels really good, too. Wow...

Just...wow.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!

I always knew that blood was thicker than water. So wouldn't it stand to reason that blood would be thicker than other things as well? Politics, for instance? Apparently not. 
The other day, I posted to Facebook a simple video for a song by a member of my all-time favorite band. The video was nothing more than one man's opinion from 1994 of someone who happens to be in the news currently. Things got a bit heated because the first comment to be posted was from a friend who insulted the writer of the song. Of course, I had to jump in to defend said musician. Apologies were made, and things were cool....or so I thought.
Anyone who truly knows me knows how I feel about politics: epic dislike!! I am able to "agree to disagree" if things remain civil, but I would much prefer to not discuss politics at all. Well, a family member had added 2 rather lengthy comments to the post by the time I got up today, and not only were they completely out of context with the video, but they were also a bit on the rude side. I defended my stance, but was essentially told I was wrong...even about my own reasons for posting the video in the first place! There was no "agreeing to disagree" this time, because the person in question was being extremely stubborn in their viewpoint and not willing to listen to mine.
Eventually I deleted the entire thread in order to keep things from escalating further...but later on I found out that this family member who was being so bullheaded had actually deleted me from their Facebook!! Seriously?!? Life is too short for this kind of immature crap!!!
I am willing and able to admit when I'm wrong, but in this case the only thing I was wrong about is blood being thicker than politics...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Best Of A Bad Situation

While this story doesn't have anything to do with my personal experience in the PNW, it's still worth telling here. It's a bit lengthy, but worth the read...enjoy!!

I began my obsession with Jerry Cantrell back in 1999, when I was still with my last boyfriend. Getting into Alice In Chains was one of the few good things that came out of that horrid relationship. AIC is an amazing group, with heartfelt, emotional songs, mostly written by the late, great Layne Staley (RIP) and Jerry.
In December of 2000, my BFF told me that Jerry was doing a show in San Francisco the following month, and that I simply had to be there. As a Christmas/birthday gift (my birthday is actually the day before Jerry's!!), she totally hooked me up: hotel room, tickets to the show, and a tune-up for the car I had at the time!! She rules!!
I took my friend Maddy with me (BFF couldn't take time off work to go with me), and we got to Slim's at around 2 pm the day of the show...Jerry hadn't even shown up yet!! When he did pull up in his black Yukon, I went into fangirl mode, trying not to geek out that he was actually there in front of me. I was disappointed, however, when he got out of his truck and was sporting a full beard...yuck! *lol*
I said hi to him, and he said hi back, then entered the club through the front door. A few minutes later, he came out and started unloading his equipment...he didn't have any roadies! At one point, his arms were so full of gear, that I opened the club door for him...he thanked me, and again I tried not to geek out.
Long story short (too late, I know. LOL!!), I was front row for the show, and took tons of pictures of Jerry doing what he does best. Toward the end of the show, Jerry announced that he'd be back in SF in February for a show at The Pound...heck yeah, I'd be there!! After the show, I waited out back with a bunch of other diehards, waiting for Jerry to come out. I got to "officially" meet Jerry, and he signed the "Boggy Depot" songbook that I brought with me....and he reminded me about the show the following month. No, Jerry, I won't forget.
After getting home and developing my film, I decided that I was going to do something special for Jerry: I grabbed the best 9 photos, took them to a do-it-yourself framing place, and put together a 20x20 photo frame of my favorite shots from the January show. My plan was to wrap it and present it to him on the day of the February show.
Again, I got to the venue before he did. When he showed up, I was beyond stoked that he had shaved!! I remember thinking, "Dang, this man is beautiful!!" Before he was able to get out of his truck, I was on my way to say hello, with gift in hand...and he totally remembered me!! Being that this was 1999, I don't remember his exact words, but I do remember that he was very gracious and appreciative of someone giving him a gift. I also remember his excitement as he opened it and was told that the photos were ones that I'd taken at his previous show and that I'd put the frame together myself...he loved the effort and thought that had gone into it. I asked if I could take a picture of him holding the frame, and he was more than happy to oblige. One of his dudes was there (I don't remember who the guy was), so he took the pic. Then Jerry said, "Safety shot?" Yes, please! This time, I was in the photo as well, with Jerry being a goofball behind me. LOL!!
Fast forward to March 16th, 2002 ~ Austin, Texas. I went to many other Jerry shows during the time between SF and Austin, and gradually became friends with Jerry's bassist, Adam Stanger. In early '02, Jerry was confirmed to play Austin's yearly arts festival, SXSW, the day before my birthday, at Stubb's BBQ. Adam surprised me one night by telling me that he'd get me into that show as a birthday gift. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I got my flight and hotel sorted out and was excited beyond words to be on my way. Again, to make an amazing story short, after having dinner with Adam, I had the amazing honor and privilege of meeting "Brother" AND "The Rooster"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Later in the evening I also met Vinni Paul and the legendary Dimebag Darrell (RIP) from Pantera!!!!!!!! After soundcheck, we were hanging out backstage, and Adam was looking through my Jerry photo albums. I can't remember why I chose to bring them with me to the show, but I'm so glad I did: as Adam was flipping through the pages, he suddenly stopped on one particular page, and looked at me with his mouth hanging open. He said something like this, "You gave him this photo frame?!? The one he's holding in this picture??" I knew which one he meant, so I said, Yeah," and told him the story. He continued with, "I can't believe you gave him this!! I just saw it in the game room at his ranch in Oklahoma!!! It's sitting on the piano!!!!" I was stunned to hear that Jerry had it in a place where it could be seen!!! I was giddy for the rest of my trip over that bit of info...
Fast forward again, to the release of Jerry's "Degradation Trip, Vol. 1& 2." In the liner notes I read that Jerry's bluetick coonhound Monkey had died. Being an animal lover, I was really sad about this, so I commissioned an artist friend of mine who specialized in pet paintings to paint Monkey's portrait onto a 5 pound stone. As a "model" for Monkey, I gave her a guitar magazine that had a pic of Jerry with Monkey, and she said that she could get the other details from a random bluetick coonhound pic that she had lying around. On my way to the Palladium in Hollywood, California, on May 29th, 2002, where Jerry was opening for Nickelback that night, I picked up the painted stone and was beyond thrilled with the finished product. I knew Jerry was going to love it! I got there early enough to case out Jerry's tour bus, and met up with some friends I'd made at various Jerry shows. After Jerry's set, we went to hang out by the bus, cuz none of us were interested in watching "Picklesack." I mentioned to Bevan (drummer for Comes With The Fall as well as Jerry's backing band for the tour) that I had something very special for Jerry, and would he mind letting Jerry know. Within minutes, I was being escorted onto the bus!! Jerry was on and off again, being pulled away for a photoshoot just outside the bus, as well as a meeting with his manager in the back room of the bus. I waited for Jerry for almost 2 hours, but once his meeting was finished, he came out and sat across from me, saying hi and asking how I was. He offered me something cold to drink (non-alcoholic, since he'd quit drinking by this point), then said, "You have something for me?" I said yes, but that I'd rather not give it to him in front of everyone because I didn't know how he was going to react...I didn't want him to be embarrassed if he got emotional. So he led me to the back room of the tour bus and shut the door!! I wasn't nervous, because my admiration of and obsession with Jerry has only been heartfelt, and never involved anything sexual...in fact, the simple thought of that frightened me. *lol*
My friend had put the Monkey-rock in a simple brown paper bag and stamped puppy paw prints on the outside...no wrapping required. Jerry and I sat down, and I told him to just put his hands in the bag and pull out what was inside. He looked at me kind of sideways, but gave me an intrigued smile and reached into the bag. When he saw what it was, he got misty, but smiled HUGE, saying excitedly, "It's my dawg!! It's my dawg!!" He leaned over, gave me a big hug, and said, "Thank you SO much...this is really awesome, and so thoughtful of you!" There was more amazing conversation in that little room, but that's another story for another day.
Fast forward (last time!) to early November of 2002. I'd learned that Jerry was going to be on MTV Cribs, so I set my VCR to record it whilst I watched the first airing. And I watched, stunned at what I was seeing. When it was over, I immediately got on the phone to my BFF and totally geeked out as I told her that they not only did a close-up of the photo frame I'd given Jerry back in February of 2001, but that I also caught a glimpse of the Monkey-rock I gave him on his tour bus in late May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She geeked right along with me as I told her that the photo frame was on the piano in the game room, just as Adam had told me back in March at Stubb's!!!!! I giggled though my giddy tears of joy, and to this day, this story (along with other Jerry anecdotes) is a source of much laughter between my BFF and me.
Thanks for taking the time to read...and don't miss the captions under the following photos. \m/


At The Pound in San Fran, February, 2001

"Safety shot."

Jerry with Monkey, from a guitar magazine that I can't remember.

The finished Monkey-rock..."It's my dawg!!"

On the tour bus: I took this shot of Jerry holding the Monkey-rock the night I gave it to him.. In Jerry's episode of Cribs, there's a glimpse of it on the counter behind him, and he turns and looks at it right before they cut to him picking up Shaquille O'Neal's shoe.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

"We provide...leverage."

Considering my excitement at the time, I'm not sure how I managed to forget to write about this! *lol*

Something pretty cool happened, I think it was Wednesday or Thursday of the week that Blackjack was open. I had heard from one of the managers a couple days before, that Timothy Hutton had been in the store the last three years in a row, so it wouldn't be a surprise if he showed up again this year. Most of the girls had no idea who he is, but I remember him from 1980's "Ordinary People," as well as the more recent TNT show, "Leverage." Wellllllllllllllll...the owner's wife came out one day and said, "I think he's here! I'm 90% sure it's him!" Ok, so I was thinking she was talking about  Mr. Hutton. Not too long after that, I saw him standing outside the cashier cage!! THEN...!!!! Who comes out of the store and through the cage out to where Timothy was standing? Freakin' CHRISTIAN KANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's just as hot in person as he is on TV!!!!! *giggle* I  wanted to go shake his hand and get a photo, but it was really busy at the registers, so I was kinda stuck. Oh well. It was still really cool to see those guys, especially since "Leverage" is such a great show. =)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

'Twas The Season

The last couple weeks have been busy. And fun! I picked up a 2-week gig at a place called BlackJack Fireworks in Vancouver. That's Washington, not Canada. *lol*
Unlike SoCal, fireworks are legal here in Washington State, but only for a short period of time. It's called "fireworks season." The store is only open for 7 days each year leading up to and including July 4th. The first week of the job was spent price-marking cases upon cases of fireworks and putting them back in their cases to be placed on the shelves later. I was amazed at the variety of explosives under one roof! And they had cool and funny names: One Bad Mother-In-Law, Migraine, Green Heaven, Armageddon, Girl Power, Pip Squeak, Taste The Rainbow, Purplicious, Stars And Stripes, Makin' Thunder, That's Your Problem, Luna Chick, Chicken On A Chain, One Bad Axe, 9 Lives, Pacific Crab, Morning Glory, Anger Management, Sassy Sally, Killer Bees, Hard And Heavy, Twitter Glitter, and The Chosen One...just to name a few. *lol*
Once the store opened, the dudes were in the store helping customers and stocking shelves whilst the ladies were at the cash registers. On opening day I was helping bag/box customers' orders, but the next day through closing on the last day, I was on a register that took credit/debit only. As it got closer to the 4th, the store got busier and busier...I was in my element! Customer after customer, hour after hour. It was awesome! Some of the girls couldn't hack it, so they quit. I was loving it so much that I didn't mind working beyond my scheduled shifts. In fact, the 2nd, 3rd, 4th were so crazy that I racked up 41 hours in those 3 days alone!! YEAH!!! *lol*
I met a lot of really cool people, and it was kind of bittersweet saying good-bye on the last night. I am keeping in touch with some of the girls on Facebook, and one of them has even made a group for us called "Blackjack Groupies"! I love it!
The thing I like most about having the job at all  is that I now have "credibility" in Washington as far as my resume and filling out other job applications: I did my job extremely well, and the managers liked me, so I feel like BlackJack could be a sort of gateway to a permanent, full-time job. In fact, I have an interview Thursday morning at La Center Marketplace, which is a little mini-mart at the Chevron just up the road. It's got the usual mini-mart items, as well as produce and a little deli. One of the coolest things about this place is that if I get the job, I'll be able to ride my bike there...weather permitting, of course. *lol*