I had a massive breakthrough during my counseling session yesterday and the more I think about it, the more I feel its freeing impact...to the point of joyful tears through giddy laughter. And only God could pull off such an amazing work in my life!!
Sometimes it's hard to find a counselor with whom you truly click, but I've been seeing Mitra for a couple months now and we've made a really great connection. The goal of my therapy is to overcome deep insecurities about myself. These feelings of inadequacy stem from relentless teasing when I was a kid regarding certain physical attributes, as well as being under the impression that men would rather watch porn than make love to their girlfriends/wives. I also felt like all men were cheaters. These views were reinforced from about 1997-2001 when I was in a relationship with a jerk who seemed to prove my theories correct. It's been a long, difficult road from the end of that relationship to the incredible marriage I now have with a man who is the complete opposite of Mr. Jerk. Even so, being married to the most amazing man on the planet has taken some getting used to in regards to my insecurities.
Our first couple years together were comprised of my constant unsubstantiated worry that my new husband was going to cheat on me. It took quite a while for it to sink in that since his ex-wife had cheated on him more than once, why the heck would he subject ME to that kind of pain, especially since I already knew how devastating that feels?! Duh, he never would!! My man is a man of integrity...he always has been. But as long as it took me to truly trust that he wasn't going anywhere, I still cringed whenever I saw beautiful women on TV and in movies, especially if we were watching those things together. Sometimes I would refuse to watch a movie with him at all because of who was in it. Mr. Jerk had done all he could to make me feel extremely unattractive and I brought those insecurities with me into my marriage. I had been conditioned to think all men got turned on by certain actresses and those actresses were the only reason a guy would watch a specific movie or TV show. Well, Mr. Amazing Husband has spent over 3 years trying to prove me wrong through comforting words of affirmation and sweet displays of loving affection. It's still difficult for me sometimes to not compare myself to these "perfect" women and feel unattractive by the mere mention of their names, but I'm a whole lot better than I was when we first got married...a definite work in progress.
God, of course, has had His hand in this situation from the beginning and very recently has gotten involved in a big way. On April 20th, Pastor Kelly did a sermon about not trusting ourselves and what we can do to reverse that. One thing that struck me was Kelly saying that God places us on proud display: Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's masterpiece." Like an artist with his medium of choice, each one of us has been individually crafted by God with the utmost care and patience, using the finest materials fashioned from love. Until Kelly said it, I had never even thought about it...not even any of the times my husband has said to me, "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, but more importantly, I wish you could see yourself through God's eyes." I realize now that God was trying to speak to me through the man He set aside for me before time was even invented.
So that word "masterpiece" has been rattling around my head since Kelly's message and I've been trying to remind myself of it as often as possible. It's actually been easier to remember than I thought it would be, which is pretty incredible in itself. The ladies in my LifeGroup have been very encouraging in my struggles with insecurity, reminding me that women on TV and in movies don't wake up looking like that and there's a whole lot of Photoshopping going on in magazines. More importantly, they remind me that I am indeed God's beautiful masterpiece.
Back to yesterday's session with Mitra. I told her all about the masterpiece thing, to which she asked, "So what would that look like in your life? How will you keep reminding yourself?" And that's when God "downloaded" (thank you, Pastor Mike, for that word!!) an image into my brain. An image that I've been seeing since the late 70s, all because of a song...of course. I told her as my eyes welled with tears, "It's like my absolute favorite painting, 'The Starry Night,' by Vincent Van Gogh. It doesn't matter how many people like it or don't like it, the fact of the matter remains: IT...IS...A...MASTERPIECE!!" Ohmygosh, there was my "a-ha" moment!! My epiphany!! A masterpiece is a masterpiece regardless of opinion...and so am I, simply because God created me!! The most amazing artist in the history of EVER created me to be His beautiful "Starry Night"!! Oh, how I cried tears of joy...and I think Mitra got a bit misty herself!! LOL!! I decided that having the "Starry Night" image in places where I can see it on a daily basis is going to be the best and easiest way for me to continue reminding myself of my masterpiece status.
Anyone who knows anything about God knows He can be a bit of a show-off, so this morning He threw icing on my cake: a Van Gogh quote that says, "There are no ugly women." Yeah, you guessed it...I cried through giggles.
I shared my amazing news with my husband today, which really excited him. He looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Welcome to the rest of your life. Welcome to yourself...your beautiful self." Thank you, my husband...and thank You, my God.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A Quarter Century!
Wow, it's really crazy to think that my Mark and I had our very
first kiss 25 years ago today!!! And if someone had told us that night that we'd
be married 25 years later, we'd have laughed ourselves silly. Sure, we laugh
about it now, how we were two crazy 18~year~old kids, just out of high school,
and preparing to start college in a couple days. Crazy indeed.
Back then, I kept a journal and wrote pretty much everything that
happened to me...including what happened the night of our first kiss. I didn't
go into any sort of gory detail, but it was just enough for me to relive it
every time I read it henceforth. And when Mark got married in 1999, I read it
every single day for weeks, crying about how he was the one that got away. To
this day, I have no idea how I hid my depression from the jerk I was living
with at the time.
Being a recovered love addict, I cringe when I read in my old
journals how I was "in love" with any given dude at any particular
point in time. In recent years I've learned that (before Mark and I reconnected
last year), I was never truly in love with anyone I ever said I was in love
with: it was always infatuation and/or obsession, even with Mark 25 years ago.
I mean, how could it have truly been love if most of my journal entries began
with, "I'm so depressed" over the boy du jour? Yeah, I know. At least
Mark was "real," as my mom would put it, and we were friends. That
being said, let me take you back to September of 1987...
I was trying to get over my most recent boyfriend, and it got to
the point where I had to simply avoid him altogether (hmmm, now that sounds
familiar! *lol*). In the midst of that, I suddenly found myself wrestling with
"strong feelings" for Mark, which were unexpectedly reciprocated. I
say unexpected because he had a girlfriend at the time…and she was one of my
friends. (As an aside, because we’re still acquainted, please allow me to
formally apologize and ask forgiveness for all the times Mark and I hung out
behind your back…kids are impulsive and do stupid things.) Still, I shouldn't
have been so surprised by his feelings toward me, as just a year earlier Mark
had mentioned to a mutual friend, "She's pretty. I wouldn't mind having
her as a girlfriend." Ahhh, the irony. So a bunch of my friends had
planned the last party of the Summer, at Serrania Park. This same group of
friends had spent many nights over the previous few months hanging out,
drinking ill~gotten alcohol in places we ought not have been...and Mark was
part of that group. He and I remember one night at the top of DeSoto where I
ran to jump on his back, but he wasn't ready...and he dropped me on my
tailbone! We laugh about it now, but it was painful at the time. The party in
question was the night of September 12th, and started off great. Here’s an excerpt
from the journal entry that described what happened that night:
“Mark was a bit buzzed, so he started tickling me. That turned
into 2 hours of wrestling on the grass with him! I’m sore from that.”
After that, I was talking with another friend about Mark and me,
and how I was depressed over the fact that I couldn’t be with the boy I
had such deep feelings for…and I started crying. Mark eventually came over and
asked what was up. When we told him, he sat down and our friend left. The
pertinent journal excerpt:
“…I cried into Mark’s shoulder for a while. I sat up, & he
motioned for me to take his hand, so I did, & we sat there for a while. I
started crying again & he’s all, “Come on, Sweetheart, stop crying.” I
died! Then we had our foreheads touching, & he was stroking my cheek. Then
it happened: we kissed. It was so incredible. A couple minutes later it
happened again, only this time more intense. God, it was so rad.”
When Mark and I talked the next day, his conscience got the best
of him and he told me that it couldn’t happen again, even though it was
something we both wanted.
It wouldn’t be our last kiss before he got married in 1999, but it
was the one that meant the most…until our second “first kiss” on September 18th,
2011, after a 12~year~long separation. And 6 months later, we had our third
“first kiss,” this time as husband and wife. Crazy indeed!!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Snow Blessed!!
I have to be honest and say that I've been feeling a bit jealous the last few weeks. Why? Well, I've seen on Facebook other people announcing their engagements...with photos and video! As beautiful and perfect as it was, part of me has been wishing my own engagement would have been like that.
But just last night I realized something...I might even go so far as to call it an epiphany. It dawned on me how incredibly blessed I am that the only witness to my engagement on that stunning November day in the pure, sparkling snow on Mt. Hood was the Creator of that glorious day, the One who brought my wonderful Mark and me together in the first place, the One who made our fairy tale possible at all...wow!! Thank You, Jesus...what an amazing gift!!!
But just last night I realized something...I might even go so far as to call it an epiphany. It dawned on me how incredibly blessed I am that the only witness to my engagement on that stunning November day in the pure, sparkling snow on Mt. Hood was the Creator of that glorious day, the One who brought my wonderful Mark and me together in the first place, the One who made our fairy tale possible at all...wow!! Thank You, Jesus...what an amazing gift!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The One That Got Away...
Once upon a time, in the not-so-magical land of Canoga Park, on the west end of one of the southernmost valleys of California, a prince and a princess met for the first time. They were both nine years old. They became friends that year, but their parents eventually pulled them in different directions, and they didn't see each other for many years. Then, when they were teenagers, they were reunited and their friendship was rekindled. The year that they were eighteen was a rough one for them, because they found that they had developed feelings for each other. The problem was that when one of them was not with anyone, the other was...back and forth it went, for many months. This was torturous for the prince and princess, because they loved each other, to the point where they even shared a kiss once or twice when no one was looking.
Soon they came to realize that time was not on their side, and they chose to simply be best friends. This was a good arrangement for them, because it meant that they could spend lots of time together, doing all sorts of fun things, without the pressure of the relationship needing to be more than what it was...and they still managed to share a kiss or two when no one was looking. As time went on, so did their lives, and they both entered into other relationships. Their time together became less and less frequent, until they didn't see each other at all.
One day, while the princess was involved in a horrible relationship, she got an invitation to a wedding set for the month before her thirtieth birthday: the wedding of her prince from years before. She was happy that her prince seemed to have found true love, but was sad that she was still searching for it in her own life. She couldn't stand the thought of her current man accompanying her to the wedding of someone she used to love, so she took her closest girlfriend. It was a long, but beautiful ceremony, and the princess unexpectedly found herself on the verge of tears when her prince winked at her from the altar...she suddenly realized that she still loved him! After the wedding, she approached her prince to congratulate him on his new life. When she hugged him, she whispered in his ear that although she was happy for him, he was the one that got away. And that was the last time she saw him.
The first few months following the wedding was a time of deep depression for the princess, because she knew her chance for true love had slipped through her fingers. What she didn't realize at the time was that her own blindness had contributed to her prince getting away, and each time she had ever told him, "You don't understand," he actually did understand, and it was she who didn't understand her own actions. And because the prince seemed to have vanished completely from her world, the princess spent the next twelve years searching for him, hunting high and low for her lost prince, with no hope of ever finding him.
During those twelve years, the princess went about her life, going through drastic, life-altering changes, and eventually finding true love in her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In Christ, the princess was able to learn about the mistakes she'd made in the past, why she made them, and how to keep from making them again. She had a new lease on life, but was still longing for an earthly mate. The relationship she was in when her prince got married had ended two years after the wedding, and she had only dated one other man since then: a strange situation that lasted just three months, but turned into an additional year of mere physical relations. When Jesus entered her life, she was thirty-five and had spent the previous ten months giving herself to any man who would have her. Jesus helped her step away from her own lack of self-respect, and she happily took a vow of celibacy until her wedding night...whenever that would be.
As time went on and the princess remained without an earthly love, she was plagued by periods of loneliness. But even though she encountered these feelings of longing and sadness, she knew that God had someone picked out just for her...the love of her life, her soulmate, The One. She often wondered if this man would be someone brand new that she would have to get to know from scratch, or if he would be someone with whom she was already acquainted, someone with whom she already had built a foundation of friendship. All she knew was that as long as she remained obedient to God, she would not be led astray. And the month before the princess turned forty-two, a happy surprise changed her life yet again: whilst browsing Facebook, she unexpectedly happened upon the name of her beloved prince!! She was beyond ecstatic that all her years of searching were finally at an end!! She wrote to him, and they immediately had a phone conversation. When she told him all that had been on her heart for the last twelve years, how her life had changed, and that she always saw him as the one that got away, he told her that he had been searching for her as well...searching in vain. The princess was stunned and excited to hear that her prince hadn't forgotten about her, and had actually been trying to find her at the exact same time she was trying to find him!!
In the midst of this happy reunion, the prince shared the sad news that his wife had been unfaithful and they had separated twice. He had stuck by her, hoping to make things work, but it was far from the storybook marriage he'd always hoped for...and aside from having two amazing children that he loved with all his being, he was quite unhappy. The princess was sad for his situation, because she'd always said that cheating is grounds for immediate dismissal, and she knew firsthand how much it hurt to have that happen and to be lied to about it.
The prince wanted to stay in contact with the princess, and she was thrilled to say yes. They caught up on each other's lives over the next few weeks, and he even invited her to go to a concert with him. They desperately wanted to see each other, but the princess soon realized that this might not be the best thing for her, considering her past mistakes. Reluctantly, she told him the truth about why she shouldn't see him, and that while she was mostly the same person he'd always known, certain values in her had changed. He completely understood about her new-found "non-negotiables," but he still wanted to see her, perhaps for her birthday. But as her birthday approached, the princess found herself thinking and feeling things about her prince that she hadn't thought or felt in many years...things that could get her into a lot of trouble if she didn't keep herself in check. Again, she had to be truthful, but this time it was more drastic. She told him that she was afraid of falling in love with him again, and due to the fact that he was still married, it would be best if they didn't speak for a time so that she could get her feelings under control. Again he understood, but at least they now knew how to get in touch once the princess was more able to handle being in contact with him.
The princess was soon able to allow thoughts of her prince to drift from her mind and heart, and her life took another amazing turn: doors finally opened for her to realize a dream that God had placed on her heart two years before, a dream to leave her native Southern California and live in the gloriously green Pacific Northwest. And so she went, a month and a half after her forty-second birthday, leaving behind her family, friends, and church...as well as the prince she'd spent twelve years searching for ~ the prince she had always referred to as "the one that got away."
Almost two months went by, and the princess had all but forgotten her prince...until one night when she received a message from him saying that he wanted to know how she was, but that he also needed a shoulder to cry on. She automatically guessed that his marriage was in trouble again. They talked the following evening, and she told him all about her new life in a Northern town. He told her that he'd always wanted to live in that same part of the country, but his marriage had killed that dream. He also told her that he was sad that she hadn't allowed him to say good-bye to her before she left, but she explained that she simply hadn't had time to see everyone before embarking on her journey. Then she asked about his life...and that's when he dropped the bombshell. The princess was in utter shock as the prince told her that his wife of twelve years had served him with divorce papers, and was set to move out of their home just one week from then, taking their young children with her. Again, the princess was sad for his situation, even more deeply now, and offered her friendship to him during his time of need.
During that same phone call, the prince dropped another bombshell on his princess: he told her that he'd thought long and hard about their last two conversations, and that he hadn't been able to forget about her. He asked if they could possibly stay in contact on a more frequent basis, now that she had taken time away from him. She agreed, telling him that she had indeed gotten her feelings under control, and that this would have to be a time of getting to know each other all over again, because people tend to change over the course of twelve years...she due to new life in Christ, and he due to a difficult marriage. He said that he was perfectly happy with that...and she was as well. But just to be on the safe side, the princess decided to ask a few certain close friends for prayer and wise counsel...and she herself went into deep prayer to her Lord, not only for the situation in general, but also for her prince's salvation.
Over the course of the following month, the prince and princess spent time on the phone with increasing frequency and duration, talking about absolutely everything, especially the deep faith of the princess. She had to be sure that her prince completely understood why her values had shifted, and that she would not allow certain boundaries in her life to be crossed, even for him. He did understand, and they both had the feeling that God was behind their reunion. One night, they had a call that lasted three hours. During that call, the prince came clean about his feelings for his princess, telling her that she was his best friend and soulmate, that he loved her and always had...and he then apologized for ever hurting her, inadvertently or otherwise. The princess was nearly in tears at these heartfelt declarations, because it had been many, many years since she last heard such sweet, adoring words.
During that same call, the prince told his princess that he wanted to fly up to see her. At first, she was thrilled at the thought of seeing her prince after more than twelve years! But toward the end of the call, she felt the Holy Spirit come over her and tell her that it wasn't a good idea, that it was way too soon. The princess chose obedience over her own human desires, and told the prince of her sudden apprehension. While he was honest about his disappointment, he completely understood why it had to be this way...and his deliberate lack of force of his own will upon her began to spark her old fire for him. She always remembered him as a man of integrity, and his willingness to go at her pace was reassurance that he hadn't changed in that area...and she was glad of it. In fact, her deep faith in Christ had intrigued him to the point where he decided to go to a church service one Sunday morning! The princess was elated at this news, and began to pray harder for her prince's salvation.
The phone calls remained a steady average of three hours in length, but their intensity began to grow, to the point where the prince began speaking in terms of forever...and one day, the princess realized that she could no longer deny what was in her heart: she had fallen back in love with her prince! They wanted the whole world to know that they had finally been brought together after so many years of wishing it could be reality, so they simultaneously changed their Facebook profiles to reflect their new relationship. But the next morning brought feelings of anxiety to the princess: she was suddenly unsure that their decision to go public was a good one, since the prince still hadn't been saved, and she needed a partner who was on the same page as far as her faith.
The month before, the princess had emailed her prince a video of a sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll on Christian dating. The prince hadn't yet watched it, so the princess sent him a text, telling him how she was feeling, and asking him to PLEASE watch the video that day. He replied that he would. On her lunch break at work that same day, the princess sent her prince another text, telling him that she was feeling much better, and that her earlier feelings of anxiety could have been a spiritual attack. He texted back, saying that he was glad that she was feeling better, and that he had some good news to share with her. He asked if she could talk, so she called him...and another bombshell was dropped: after he watched the Driscoll sermon, the prince was brought to his knees in total submission, and he immediately gave his life to Christ!! The princess was in tears at this absolutely incredible answer to prayer, because she now knew for sure that God was orchestrating every detail of the situation...and it was a true miracle in her eyes, because she knew that she was finally going about it the right way, and not making the same mistakes she'd made in the past!!
"To know that God is giving me such a wonderful gift...The true love of my best friend and soulmate, not to mention the most wonderful woman I've ever known is humbling beyond belief. I feel so honored that you have trusted me with your love. I will always hold it sacred, as I should, knowing that this is a gift from you and God. I love you so much. No amount of "pretty words" can do what I'm feeling justice."
And that is just one way of saying that "the one that got away" from the princess, didn't...thanks to God's ultimate plan for their lives!! The prince and princess know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are completely meant for each other, and always have been. They also know that because Jesus is at the core of their relationship, their story, a story that could have only been written by Jesus Himself, is one that will play out "happily ever after"...and so it begins!!
Soon they came to realize that time was not on their side, and they chose to simply be best friends. This was a good arrangement for them, because it meant that they could spend lots of time together, doing all sorts of fun things, without the pressure of the relationship needing to be more than what it was...and they still managed to share a kiss or two when no one was looking. As time went on, so did their lives, and they both entered into other relationships. Their time together became less and less frequent, until they didn't see each other at all.
One day, while the princess was involved in a horrible relationship, she got an invitation to a wedding set for the month before her thirtieth birthday: the wedding of her prince from years before. She was happy that her prince seemed to have found true love, but was sad that she was still searching for it in her own life. She couldn't stand the thought of her current man accompanying her to the wedding of someone she used to love, so she took her closest girlfriend. It was a long, but beautiful ceremony, and the princess unexpectedly found herself on the verge of tears when her prince winked at her from the altar...she suddenly realized that she still loved him! After the wedding, she approached her prince to congratulate him on his new life. When she hugged him, she whispered in his ear that although she was happy for him, he was the one that got away. And that was the last time she saw him.
The first few months following the wedding was a time of deep depression for the princess, because she knew her chance for true love had slipped through her fingers. What she didn't realize at the time was that her own blindness had contributed to her prince getting away, and each time she had ever told him, "You don't understand," he actually did understand, and it was she who didn't understand her own actions. And because the prince seemed to have vanished completely from her world, the princess spent the next twelve years searching for him, hunting high and low for her lost prince, with no hope of ever finding him.
During those twelve years, the princess went about her life, going through drastic, life-altering changes, and eventually finding true love in her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In Christ, the princess was able to learn about the mistakes she'd made in the past, why she made them, and how to keep from making them again. She had a new lease on life, but was still longing for an earthly mate. The relationship she was in when her prince got married had ended two years after the wedding, and she had only dated one other man since then: a strange situation that lasted just three months, but turned into an additional year of mere physical relations. When Jesus entered her life, she was thirty-five and had spent the previous ten months giving herself to any man who would have her. Jesus helped her step away from her own lack of self-respect, and she happily took a vow of celibacy until her wedding night...whenever that would be.
As time went on and the princess remained without an earthly love, she was plagued by periods of loneliness. But even though she encountered these feelings of longing and sadness, she knew that God had someone picked out just for her...the love of her life, her soulmate, The One. She often wondered if this man would be someone brand new that she would have to get to know from scratch, or if he would be someone with whom she was already acquainted, someone with whom she already had built a foundation of friendship. All she knew was that as long as she remained obedient to God, she would not be led astray. And the month before the princess turned forty-two, a happy surprise changed her life yet again: whilst browsing Facebook, she unexpectedly happened upon the name of her beloved prince!! She was beyond ecstatic that all her years of searching were finally at an end!! She wrote to him, and they immediately had a phone conversation. When she told him all that had been on her heart for the last twelve years, how her life had changed, and that she always saw him as the one that got away, he told her that he had been searching for her as well...searching in vain. The princess was stunned and excited to hear that her prince hadn't forgotten about her, and had actually been trying to find her at the exact same time she was trying to find him!!
In the midst of this happy reunion, the prince shared the sad news that his wife had been unfaithful and they had separated twice. He had stuck by her, hoping to make things work, but it was far from the storybook marriage he'd always hoped for...and aside from having two amazing children that he loved with all his being, he was quite unhappy. The princess was sad for his situation, because she'd always said that cheating is grounds for immediate dismissal, and she knew firsthand how much it hurt to have that happen and to be lied to about it.
The prince wanted to stay in contact with the princess, and she was thrilled to say yes. They caught up on each other's lives over the next few weeks, and he even invited her to go to a concert with him. They desperately wanted to see each other, but the princess soon realized that this might not be the best thing for her, considering her past mistakes. Reluctantly, she told him the truth about why she shouldn't see him, and that while she was mostly the same person he'd always known, certain values in her had changed. He completely understood about her new-found "non-negotiables," but he still wanted to see her, perhaps for her birthday. But as her birthday approached, the princess found herself thinking and feeling things about her prince that she hadn't thought or felt in many years...things that could get her into a lot of trouble if she didn't keep herself in check. Again, she had to be truthful, but this time it was more drastic. She told him that she was afraid of falling in love with him again, and due to the fact that he was still married, it would be best if they didn't speak for a time so that she could get her feelings under control. Again he understood, but at least they now knew how to get in touch once the princess was more able to handle being in contact with him.
The princess was soon able to allow thoughts of her prince to drift from her mind and heart, and her life took another amazing turn: doors finally opened for her to realize a dream that God had placed on her heart two years before, a dream to leave her native Southern California and live in the gloriously green Pacific Northwest. And so she went, a month and a half after her forty-second birthday, leaving behind her family, friends, and church...as well as the prince she'd spent twelve years searching for ~ the prince she had always referred to as "the one that got away."
Almost two months went by, and the princess had all but forgotten her prince...until one night when she received a message from him saying that he wanted to know how she was, but that he also needed a shoulder to cry on. She automatically guessed that his marriage was in trouble again. They talked the following evening, and she told him all about her new life in a Northern town. He told her that he'd always wanted to live in that same part of the country, but his marriage had killed that dream. He also told her that he was sad that she hadn't allowed him to say good-bye to her before she left, but she explained that she simply hadn't had time to see everyone before embarking on her journey. Then she asked about his life...and that's when he dropped the bombshell. The princess was in utter shock as the prince told her that his wife of twelve years had served him with divorce papers, and was set to move out of their home just one week from then, taking their young children with her. Again, the princess was sad for his situation, even more deeply now, and offered her friendship to him during his time of need.
During that same phone call, the prince dropped another bombshell on his princess: he told her that he'd thought long and hard about their last two conversations, and that he hadn't been able to forget about her. He asked if they could possibly stay in contact on a more frequent basis, now that she had taken time away from him. She agreed, telling him that she had indeed gotten her feelings under control, and that this would have to be a time of getting to know each other all over again, because people tend to change over the course of twelve years...she due to new life in Christ, and he due to a difficult marriage. He said that he was perfectly happy with that...and she was as well. But just to be on the safe side, the princess decided to ask a few certain close friends for prayer and wise counsel...and she herself went into deep prayer to her Lord, not only for the situation in general, but also for her prince's salvation.
Over the course of the following month, the prince and princess spent time on the phone with increasing frequency and duration, talking about absolutely everything, especially the deep faith of the princess. She had to be sure that her prince completely understood why her values had shifted, and that she would not allow certain boundaries in her life to be crossed, even for him. He did understand, and they both had the feeling that God was behind their reunion. One night, they had a call that lasted three hours. During that call, the prince came clean about his feelings for his princess, telling her that she was his best friend and soulmate, that he loved her and always had...and he then apologized for ever hurting her, inadvertently or otherwise. The princess was nearly in tears at these heartfelt declarations, because it had been many, many years since she last heard such sweet, adoring words.
During that same call, the prince told his princess that he wanted to fly up to see her. At first, she was thrilled at the thought of seeing her prince after more than twelve years! But toward the end of the call, she felt the Holy Spirit come over her and tell her that it wasn't a good idea, that it was way too soon. The princess chose obedience over her own human desires, and told the prince of her sudden apprehension. While he was honest about his disappointment, he completely understood why it had to be this way...and his deliberate lack of force of his own will upon her began to spark her old fire for him. She always remembered him as a man of integrity, and his willingness to go at her pace was reassurance that he hadn't changed in that area...and she was glad of it. In fact, her deep faith in Christ had intrigued him to the point where he decided to go to a church service one Sunday morning! The princess was elated at this news, and began to pray harder for her prince's salvation.
The phone calls remained a steady average of three hours in length, but their intensity began to grow, to the point where the prince began speaking in terms of forever...and one day, the princess realized that she could no longer deny what was in her heart: she had fallen back in love with her prince! They wanted the whole world to know that they had finally been brought together after so many years of wishing it could be reality, so they simultaneously changed their Facebook profiles to reflect their new relationship. But the next morning brought feelings of anxiety to the princess: she was suddenly unsure that their decision to go public was a good one, since the prince still hadn't been saved, and she needed a partner who was on the same page as far as her faith.
The month before, the princess had emailed her prince a video of a sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll on Christian dating. The prince hadn't yet watched it, so the princess sent him a text, telling him how she was feeling, and asking him to PLEASE watch the video that day. He replied that he would. On her lunch break at work that same day, the princess sent her prince another text, telling him that she was feeling much better, and that her earlier feelings of anxiety could have been a spiritual attack. He texted back, saying that he was glad that she was feeling better, and that he had some good news to share with her. He asked if she could talk, so she called him...and another bombshell was dropped: after he watched the Driscoll sermon, the prince was brought to his knees in total submission, and he immediately gave his life to Christ!! The princess was in tears at this absolutely incredible answer to prayer, because she now knew for sure that God was orchestrating every detail of the situation...and it was a true miracle in her eyes, because she knew that she was finally going about it the right way, and not making the same mistakes she'd made in the past!!
The princess also knows it's right this time because of how completely different it feels from all the others, how absolutely content she is...like a purring kitten in front of a cozy fire on a snowy Winter's night. She marvels every single day at the blessings that God is showering upon her, and she was excited that her prince had given her an early Christmas gift of a roundtrip flight to see him in late December!! She would be seeing her family and friends as well, but seeing her prince for the first time in almost thirteen years was at the forefront of her mind and heart, and his as well...until he surprised her yet again at the beginning of September by telling her that he’d booked a trip to see her on September eighteenth!! This came about after she told him that she missed him so deeply that she wasn’t sure she’d be able to wait until Christmas to see him. It was an amazing reunion, with the connection and spark from twenty~four years prior still intact, if not stronger!! And he completely honored her boundaries during his entire five~day visit.
It was so difficult to say good~bye that the prince told the princess a couple weeks later that he wanted to see her yet again toward the end of October...but this time he'd be DRIVING the thousand miles to see her!! He arrived on Halloween, again honoring her boundaries one hundred percent by staying at a hotel, and the next day, November first, the two of them went to Timberline Lodge at Mount Hood to play in the snow. Whilst taking a break from hiking, the prince got down on one knee in the pure white snow, pulled out of his pocket a beautiful white gold and green amethyst Claddagh ring, and in the presence of God, asked his princess if she would do him the honor of marrying him!!!!! It was the perfect setting, and without any hesitation, she said YES!!!! Then he told her that he had gone to her parents to properly ask for her hand...of course, THEY said yes!! The rest of the prince's two~week visit was a blur, the princess walking on air the entire time from her complete excitement of her prince's proposal: she would be spending the rest of her life with "the one that got away"!!! They began to discuss a wedding date, and God put her birthday, March seventeenth, St. Patrick's Day, on their hearts. And because 2012 is a Leap Year, that date falls on a Saturday...again, God's perfect timing. The princess' Christmas visit to SoCal was short, but sweet...and saying good~bye was even more difficult for the prince and princess because they knew that they wouldn't be seeing each other again until two days before their wedding.
God struck again with His perfect timing in the form of Mark and Grace Driscoll's latest book, "Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together." The book was published on January third, 2012, and January fifteenth saw the beginning of the sermon series at Mars Hill!! Coinciding with that was premarital counseling via Skype, with the princess in Washington, and the prince in SoCal!!
It's been a long haul, but each day brings them closer to the rest of their lives, and much of every phone conversation between visits is about how they can't wait for him to make his transition from the brown Southern California desert northward to the beautiful Evergreen State after their Honeymoon at the end of March, 2012. They are both thankful beyond imagination that God has brought them back into each other's lives after so many years to be together the way they were always meant to be. The prince's own words possibly express it best:
It was so difficult to say good~bye that the prince told the princess a couple weeks later that he wanted to see her yet again toward the end of October...but this time he'd be DRIVING the thousand miles to see her!! He arrived on Halloween, again honoring her boundaries one hundred percent by staying at a hotel, and the next day, November first, the two of them went to Timberline Lodge at Mount Hood to play in the snow. Whilst taking a break from hiking, the prince got down on one knee in the pure white snow, pulled out of his pocket a beautiful white gold and green amethyst Claddagh ring, and in the presence of God, asked his princess if she would do him the honor of marrying him!!!!! It was the perfect setting, and without any hesitation, she said YES!!!! Then he told her that he had gone to her parents to properly ask for her hand...of course, THEY said yes!! The rest of the prince's two~week visit was a blur, the princess walking on air the entire time from her complete excitement of her prince's proposal: she would be spending the rest of her life with "the one that got away"!!! They began to discuss a wedding date, and God put her birthday, March seventeenth, St. Patrick's Day, on their hearts. And because 2012 is a Leap Year, that date falls on a Saturday...again, God's perfect timing. The princess' Christmas visit to SoCal was short, but sweet...and saying good~bye was even more difficult for the prince and princess because they knew that they wouldn't be seeing each other again until two days before their wedding.
God struck again with His perfect timing in the form of Mark and Grace Driscoll's latest book, "Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, & Life Together." The book was published on January third, 2012, and January fifteenth saw the beginning of the sermon series at Mars Hill!! Coinciding with that was premarital counseling via Skype, with the princess in Washington, and the prince in SoCal!!
It's been a long haul, but each day brings them closer to the rest of their lives, and much of every phone conversation between visits is about how they can't wait for him to make his transition from the brown Southern California desert northward to the beautiful Evergreen State after their Honeymoon at the end of March, 2012. They are both thankful beyond imagination that God has brought them back into each other's lives after so many years to be together the way they were always meant to be. The prince's own words possibly express it best:
"To know that God is giving me such a wonderful gift...The true love of my best friend and soulmate, not to mention the most wonderful woman I've ever known is humbling beyond belief. I feel so honored that you have trusted me with your love. I will always hold it sacred, as I should, knowing that this is a gift from you and God. I love you so much. No amount of "pretty words" can do what I'm feeling justice."
And that is just one way of saying that "the one that got away" from the princess, didn't...thanks to God's ultimate plan for their lives!! The prince and princess know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are completely meant for each other, and always have been. They also know that because Jesus is at the core of their relationship, their story, a story that could have only been written by Jesus Himself, is one that will play out "happily ever after"...and so it begins!!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Celebrate Recovery Testimony ~ Director's Cut
Hi, I’m Trish. I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I have victory through Christ in the areas of sexual purity & love addiction. Recovery…I’ve never had problems with alcohol or drugs, so what could I possibly need to recover from? Neither of my parents had drug or alcohol issues, nor was there ever a lack of love in my family. We’ve always been very close & have never been shy about showing affection openly towards each other. I’ve always admired my parents’ relationship, especially because this year they’ll celebrate their 47th wedding anniversary. I suppose my answer can be found by stretching my memory all the way back to Kindergarten, where I distinctly recall saying to someone, “See that boy? I’m gonna marry him someday.” I was 5 years old! What could have possessed me to say something like that?! Turns out, that was only the beginning of my deep need for emotional closeness. I also remember a slumber party at a girl’s house in 4th grade that helped perpetuate my need for physical closeness. Her parents were out & she wanted to be cool, so there we were: a bunch of 9- & 10-year-old girls sitting in a circle, giggling as she brought out a sex book that was popular at the time. The way that book made me feel physically led to an insatiable curiosity about pornography. I didn’t understand why it had affected me the way it did, but I sought out adult magazines & videos every chance I got. Looking back, it’s pretty scary that my hormones were already kicking in at such a young age. By 5th grade I also had a sort of “flavor of the month” attitude towards boys: not a day went by that I wasn’t into someone. Sixth grade brought my first celebrity crush: the lead singer in the band that would eventually lead me to my salvation. Queen became the center of my world & with that, began my long history of gravitating toward rock stars (& the occasional actor) & convincing myself that I was in love with them. They became a safety net for me because in my amazingly vivid imagination they could be anything I wanted them to be & they could never hurt me…or so I thought. That realization came many years later, along with the truth that I had some expensive hobbies! I went to Catholic school for 7th grade, but did all the talk of God help me find the true love I was endlessly seeking? No. I always believed in God, & my mom taught my brother & me to pray at bedtime when we were very young, but I knew nothing about John 3:16, how “God so loved the world that He gave His one & only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.” If only I knew then what I know now! In 8th grade my obvious interest in guys got to the point where a friend told me one day that if I kept going the way I was, I’d be pregnant by the time I was 16. Where’d she come up with that?! It’s not like I was having sex with any of these guys. I couldn’t even get any of them to ask me out…not that I should’ve been dating at that age anyway. I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to forget the merciless teasing I’d endured all through elementary school that had caused major insecurities about myself physically. One example that is still with me to this day happened in sixth grade, when a girl came up to me and told me that another girl in our class was a lesbian and had a huge crush on me. Yeah, kids were cruel. I remember hoping the summers would fly by so school would start & maybe I’d finally have a boyfriend. Porn continued to be a large part of my life as did my emotional attachments to guys I could never have, & the frustration of those constant dead ends began to wear on my heart. Not to mention the pain caused by well-meaning friends who constantly told me that I was obsessed or infatuated with these guys & to “get over it.” I was deeply hurt & offended by these comments because in my twisted reality I was truly in love, so don’t tell me how I feel! I finally got my 1st real boyfriend in 10th grade, but it wasn’t until my next relationship the following year that I lost my virginity. I was almost 17, & boy, did sex turn out to be a disappointment! Oh well, I still had porn & my awesome imagination, right? I did continue to have sex, but only in the confines of a committed relationship. I felt like that was the right way to live my life: I wanted to be in love with a guy before I slept with him. When I was in my early 20s, I got engaged to a musician. A real-life musician had asked me to marry him! …But only after my best friend at the time turned him down. Regardless, I thought all my dreams had come true. After 3 years of fighting over my deep insecurities & constant fear that he was looking at other girls & cheating on me, we broke up & I went the next 4.5 years without sex…but infatuations with the musicians I couldn’t have were ever-present. In late 1997 I met another real life musician who spent the next 3.5 years destroying me emotionally. By that point in my life I was very lonely & felt like I needed to be with someone in order to be complete, even someone who called me horrible names, blatantly stared at other girls right in front of me, & cheated on me. With this guy, my fears were fully justified. He didn’t care that I was painfully insecure, that I’d always seen myself as “the good-looking girl’s best friend.” In fact, before I’d met any of his family, we went to his parents’ house one day and he made me sit in the car while he went in. Later I found out that it was because he was embarrassed about how I looked. I endured this treatment & was so afraid of losing this guy that I was actually changing who I was so that he’d still want to be with me. Early on, I allowed him to move into my small one-bedroom apartment with me and my two cats, and he soon made it abundantly clear that he thought cats were filthy animals that belonged outside. I thought if I lost this guy I’d never find anyone else, so when we moved into a two-bedroom house a couple months later, I let him talk me into putting my two indoor-only cats outside. That ended tragically, with one cat, my dad’s orange tabby OJ, disappearing and my black “son” Jasper needing to be put to sleep because the neighbor’s dog got him. I loved Jasper like he really was my child and was so messed up over his loss that I missed three days of work. I’d also decided that I would never again put a guy before my pets. I almost lost myself for good before I found the strength to leave him, which happened after he made light of the fact that I lost a friend on 9/11. I was so miserable that I’d even grown to resent porn because of how this guy used it to make me feel completely worthless, and I wondered on a daily basis why he had stayed with me if he liked those kinds of girls so much. He’d even told me after we broke up that although I wasn’t the best looking girlfriend he’d ever had, I was the BEST girlfriend he’d ever had. Gee, thanks. I dug myself even deeper into my imaginary relationships with “unattainables,” & went the next 2 years without sex. I also began my “hobby” of spending tons of money on roadtrips to see my favorite musicians perform. Really, I was hoping they’d see what a cool girl I was & they’d fall in love with me. Insanity is defined as “doing the same thing over & over, each time expecting a different result.” My insanity once came in the form of a 2000 mile roadtrip alone in my truck to see the same guy do 6 shows in 7 days. In August of 2003 I met a guy online who was 7 years younger than myself. He treated me like a princess & made me feel like a queen in bed. I fell fast & hard, but 3 months later he decided he couldn’t date me anymore. I cried every day for 2 weeks & wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I find & keep a decent relationship? By that point, I’d pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my fantasy world would be the only place I’d ever have real love. But after 2 months of not talking to this guy in order to get over him, he & I began a “friends-with-benefits” situation that lasted for the next 12 months. In October, the grocery union went on strike, cutting off the steady income I’d had for the previous 15 years, & by the end of November I was pretty much broke. A friend of mine told me that his employer was looking for an intern, so I called & found out that it was a paid internship. And guess what! It turned out to be the best job I'd ever had, not to mention the best paying. I even quit my job at the grocery store. I went full-force into this new venture & began what I call my "wild phase." See, this job was at a studio in the porn industry, & considering my past, um, “interest” in porn, the move seemed only natural. I began as a PA & onset photographer, & by the end of that 1st year I’d learned how to edit the scenes. But that wasn't the best part: I mean, there I was, surrounded by all these beautiful girls, & the guys were giving ME attention! ME!! That elusive attention I’d always longed for but never had was finally mine! I embraced it with all the enthusiasm & passion that I’ve always possessed & began doing things I'd only ever done when I had a steady boyfriend: horribly sinful things that gave me a sense of power over these guys. I didn’t even care that I wasn’t in love with any of them. Occasionally I would hear about a girl quitting the industry because she’d “found God” or “found Jesus.” I would always laugh & say, “I didn’t know He was lost. What, was He hiding behind the sofa?” I SO didn’t get it. In September of 2004, 10 months into my newfound sexual freedom, everything changed. I went to Vegas with my best friend (woo, more money spent on my hobby!), & we sat front row center for a musical called “We Will Rock You,” which was based on the hits of my all-time favorite band, Queen. It was during that show that I came face to face with the beginning of the rest of my life: a singer named Tony Vincent. He had the most beautiful voice I’d ever heard, but I hesitated in buying his 3 CDs when I found out it was “Christian” music. Yeah, not so much. Eventually I caved, simply because I needed to hear that voice regardless of price or lyrical content. It was a sure sign that I was beginning to crush on yet another guy I could never be with, but this turned out to be the worst one yet. In October a friend of mine lost his dad to a heart attack. At the wake were printed copies of the beautiful eulogy, so I took one & on the back I found the “love” chapter of the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13. I stopped midway into the 1st line because I recognized what I was reading. Wait…what? Then it hit me: Tony has a song called “Far Cry,” which is a rewording of that same chapter! I was a little more than freaked out to suddenly realize that Tony’s music in my life was God’s way of sneaking up behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, & whispering, “Hi. You don’t know Me, but you will.” He knew that because of the passion I’ve always had for music, that music was the only way He’d be able to reach me. I became deeply intrigued by Christianity & immediately ended my friends-with-benefits relationship & stopped doing all those sinful things I’d been doing at work…but I kept my editing job. Somehow I knew that God was keeping me there for a reason, & when it was time to get out He’d let me know. I even had a guy ask me on a shoot one day why I was “acting so weird.” Weird meaning I was keeping my hands to myself. In November I wanted to buy my first Bible, but it had to be pink, and when I got to the Christian bookstore, there it was: the last pink Bible in stock, waiting just for me! Then, in January of 2005, while browsing through a Hallmark store, it hit me that my St. Patrick’s Day birthday + the shamrock = the Holy Trinity. I cried at the realization that my whole life had been leading up to this point, & that Jesus had made His way into my heart. I wanted to find a church, & in the middle of Summer that year I felt the call to get baptized…but not in a pool. I wanted something different, like a river or a lake. Both prayers were answered simultaneously when the Lord’s name caught my peripheral vision on a Church at Rocky Peak bulletin discarded on a pile of papers in my apartment’s parking lot. I took the bulletin upstairs & read through it…and on the back page was the paragraph that talked about the annual Beach Baptism at Zuma. Again, I was in tears at God’s attention to me. I got baptized in the Pacific Ocean on September 11, 2005, exactly 1 year after ordering Tony’s CDs from his website. I began attending Rocky Peak regularly & joined a Singles LifeGroup right away, spending 3 years as co-leader. I continued telling myself that I was in love with Tony Vincent, & not only drove to Vegas 13 times in 1 year to see him perform, but also compulsively spent money on a trip to London to see him in December of 2005. That, my friends, is the essence of insanity. In fact, my little jaunt to England almost got me fired, which, looking back, wouldn’t have been such a terrible thing. When I got back to work after that trip, my boss pulled me into his office with a couple coworkers for an intervention, telling me that I was “taking this fan thing a little too far.” Why didn’t anyone understand me? Eventually James 4:8 made its way into my life through deliberatePeople, which is the music ministry of Phil and Heather Joel, Phil being the former bass player for the Christian group Newsboys (& another of my many “phases”). “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” The Lord was speaking to me through Phil, & Phil’s song “jealous,” which is based on the Book of Hosea, made me see that it’s a huge deal to God that we let go of our idols & make Him our Top Priority. Like Israel, my heart had played the harlot, & the pain & frustration of choosing unattainables became utterly unbearable by December of 2006. I’d tried getting over Tony on my own as well as through the help of friends, but nothing seemed to be working. So God grabbed me by the scruff of the neck & forced me into solitude for almost 3 weeks to pour out my heart & tears to Him, & Him alone. After nonstop prayer & a 9-day-long migraine caused by endless sobs that wracked me to the core, I was finally free of the idols who’d been keeping me from loving the only One I should’ve been loving all along, & for the first time since I could remember, I wasn’t infatuated with anyone! The Lord had helped me realize that I was never in love with ANY of my rock stars: it was simply infatuation & obsession, just like everyone had always tried to tell me! I joyfully embraced my role as a Bride of Christ & fell deeply in love with Him: the true, pure love I know I was made for. On January first, 2007, I began a one-year Bible reading schedule through deliberatePeople, which I faithfully maintained from start to finish. But in the face of the Lord’s victory in me, the enemy threw a monkey wrench in His whole program that came in the form of major lust for a coworker. It became a huge struggle for me to keep my hands to myself, & I was relieved to hear about a new ministry at Rocky Peak that was starting at the end of January called Celebrate Recovery, which isn’t just for people struggling with drugs or alcohol. A perfect example of God’s perfect timing! In CR I found acceptance & understanding from the amazing leaders as well as the other participants. While I’m guessing I was the only person at CR who held a job in hardcore porn, there were other people who shared my struggles with purity & the need to feel loved: I wasn’t alone! As I learned more & more about what it means to be a follower of Christ & what it means to be in recovery (realizing that I can’t, God can, I think I’ll let Him), the more I realized that I couldn't continue to think of porn editing as "just a job." I was persecuted for my faith on a daily basis; I had guys constantly trying to talk me into going back to my old ways; I was even encouraged to "just get it out of your system" regarding the lust issues with my coworker. Not cool. I struggled daily to remain pure in that horribly "free" environment. I wore my pink John 3:16 shirt to work on Valentine's Day 2007 & got a lot of flack for it. No surprise there. No one understood how I could work in porn & wear a shirt with a Bible verse on it, even the one that talks about the ultimate gift of Love. Those people tried to make me feel like such a hypocrite. I decided that it was indeed time to begin looking for a new job, but I went about it half-heartedly & nothing materialized. A girl I know who’s now been out of the industry for 11 years told me that she just up & quit one day, & that maybe I'd need to do the same. I didn’t feel ready for such a drastic step. The week of March 19th was especially difficult & I completely broke down at CR that Friday night, to the point where I couldn't go to my open-share group. That same night God provided me a financial resource to hold me over until I found another job in the event that I did indeed decide to quit. Even so, I felt a huge amount of fear, since I’d never left a job without having another one lined up. But during that weekend’s message God spoke to me through the pastor, saying that I needed to “ruthlessly eliminate any known sin,” “take the next step of obedience,” & “trust that God can handle the rest.” It was time. So on Monday morning, March 26th, 2007, with NO fear, NO second guesses, NO hesitation, just COMPLETE faith & trust in my Lord, I gave my notice, and my last day as a video editor in the adult entertainment industry was Friday, the 13th of April, 2007! I know God’s timing is always perfect, because 2 days after I gave my notice, my mom told me that she was having foot surgery the very week following my last day of work, & I was blessed with the amazing opportunity to give back to my mom for all the times she took care of me. I was unemployed for a year, but on the 1 year anniversary of me quitting the studio, God provided me a great job working for a cool boss who went to Rocky Peak. While working the steps in CR I found that I was able to give a name to my old habits of chronic daydreaming & obsessing over guys I knew I could never be with: it’s called Love Addiction. In 2008, I read a book about it, which helped me trace the origin of my issue: due to peer rejection as a kid, I developed what’s called “attachment hunger.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I also learned that I have a pattern in my love addiction that starts with attraction, leads to fascination, then infatuation, into obsession, & finally depression. The cycle begins anew when someone else comes along to distract me from the current cause of depression. In early 2007, I began my cycle yet again, but this time with someone more attainable, someone at church, someone in the worship band. “Bob” quickly became an infatuation & I made sure he knew who I was. As the deep infatuation became deeper obsession, I found that I could no longer concentrate on worshiping God any time Bob was onstage. My sponsor suggested I take drastic steps in order to find healing, so I stood in the lobby during worship whenever Bob was playing so I couldn’t see him, & there was also to be no contact unless he initiated it. But the healing wasn’t coming. I finally hit rock bottom the end of August 2008, crying uncontrollably during the entire hour of open share at CR. I was deep in the depression stage. On my way home that night, God whispered to me the most drastic step of all: spill my guts to Bob about my addiction, come clean with him about my obsession, confess my sin to him. Even with that, true healing would only come if I cut off all contact with Bob, no matter what. So I turned around & went to his work, not knowing if he’d even be there. I found his car & waited for him to come out - an hour & a half later. We talked for close to 30 minutes, me telling him through my tears the truth about the saddest part of being me. After explaining why I was hurting so deeply & that it wasn’t his fault, it was time to get to the point. I proceeded to ask the most beautiful boy in church to please no longer acknowledge me: no looking my way, no smiling at me, no waving at me, & certainly no more hugs. It hurt like I’d just broken up with someone. He completely understood why it had to be this way & respected my request 100%. Four months later, on Christmas Eve, God allowed me the opportunity to give Bob a Christmas card & none of my old feelings came back, praise Jesus! Even Bob’s good-bye hug when I told him I was leaving SoCal didn’t stir those thoughts! The road out of love addiction has been an extremely bumpy rollercoaster, & the enemy continually tries to trip me up, to the point where, in late 2009/early 2010, I had to fast 40 days from contact with a good friend in order to eliminate a crush I was developing on him. A month after dealing with that, I got sideswiped by someone I initially saw as my 1st true “hero”: I watched a world-famous athlete make a comeback from a gnarly injury as I was recovering from my own injury in the same sport. Hero? No, not really. Obsession? Sadly, yes…and a hardcore one at that, especially for the 1st year. The first few months of 2011 were rough in this area, but the Lord gave me strength to delete from my computer a folder containing over 1300 photos of Mr. Athlete, as well as being able to distance myself from people who were inadvertently feeding my addiction. I have other tools to cope, like Ephesians 6:10~18, which gives me the full armor of God. Deuteronomy 13:4 is also a tremendous help: “It is the Lord your God you must follow, & Him you must revere. Keep His commands & obey Him, serve Him & hold fast to Him.” HOLD FAST. I know I could never in my most vivid daydreams come up with anything nearly as amazing as any of the things God has planned for my life. He proves that over & over, including opening doors for me to leave my native SoCal almost 4 years ago & live here in the beautiful PNW, as well as the tests that had begun to take place when God blessed me with the 1 man on earth worthy of my love - a man with whom I shared a 1st kiss over 27 years ago! It’s my personal fairy tale come true, & nothing short of an absolute miracle! I used to live by the world’s standard that it’s ok to have sex if you simply love someone, but I’m no longer of the world, am I? I held fast to the promise I made 11 years ago to remain pure until my wedding night, because Jesus had convinced me that my love is indeed worth waiting for: after all, He Himself waited 35 years for it! Friends, recovery isn’t easy or quick. It takes tenacity, work, & the love of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave it all for us. Give Him your hurts, habits, & hang-ups at Celebrate Recovery, & He will show you the path to true freedom. Thank you for letting me share.
Happy 3 Months To Me!!!!
I've been involved with Goodwill Job Connections since mid-May, my "case worker" being an awesome lady named Marilyn. Marilyn and I hit it off immediately, and she's been extremely encouraging during my job search.
I was at one of the 30-minute workshops last week, and another lady who works at Job Connections told me that I "need to work for Goodwill." She suggested I look on the website to see if any cashier positions were open. I did, but there were no openings. After this week's workshop, I chatted with Marilyn for a few minutes, and she asked me to fill out a Goodwill application, and to make sure her name was on it as a reference. She also suggested I put a resume with it, because she's been telling various managers about me! I filled out the app and left it for Marilyn, then headed home.
Thursday early afternoon I got a call from the manager at the Goodwill in Fisher's Landing, which is Vancouver eastside. She told me that Marilyn had given her my resume and said I'd be a perfect fit as a cashier for the store...and would I be available for an interview the next morning at 11? YES!!!!!!!!
Friday 11 am: I showed up for my interview, but the manager only had my resume. Apparently, Marilyn didn't give her the application I'd already filled out. I was a bit peeved that I had to take time to fill out another one, but thankfully I had all the info with me. When I was finished filling out app #2, the interview began. It lasted about an hour, the manager talking to me first, then the assistant manager coming in for a few minutes after that. I was given a 27 question math test...oh, great. Math is not my strong suit, so I was pretty stoked when I was told that I could use scratch paper and/or a calculator!! The manager came back in after I was finished (I checked that test twice!), and said that up to 5 wrong answers were allowed for a passing grade. I told her that it was pretty easy, except for one question that confused me. She asked which one, and I told her it was #6. She said that EVERYONE misses that question, because it had to do with balancing a till at the end of the night and the amount of cash that was made during the course of the shift. Turns out, I got it right!!!! In fact, I got 100% on the test!!!! YAY!!!! After the test, the manager said, "Well, I'm making you a contingent job offer!" SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! This job is a direct answer to prayer: PERMANENT, FULL-TIME, BENEFITS!!!!! I am beyond stoked for this, not just because it's a job, but because it's my area of expertise: face-to-face customer service!!
But first things first...I was sent Downtown to do a drug test. I need to pass that, as well as a criminal background check in order to be officially hired. Both records are 100% spotless, so all I need to do is wait for Corporate to get in touch with my manager to let her know I've passed the screens, then she can let me know where I need to go for training on Monday and Tuesday, August 8th and 9th. All I know is that it's in Portland (LOVE!!). After that, I'm not sure when I'll actually be starting in the store, but I do know that my schedule will be pretty much set, with 2 consecutive days off each week...very cool!!! Yeah, Baby, yeah!!!
I am so thankful to God for this opportunity, and thankful for all the people who have been praying for me. I find it really neat that it happened on my 3-month anniversary of moving to the PNW...3 is a great number! ;-)
I was at one of the 30-minute workshops last week, and another lady who works at Job Connections told me that I "need to work for Goodwill." She suggested I look on the website to see if any cashier positions were open. I did, but there were no openings. After this week's workshop, I chatted with Marilyn for a few minutes, and she asked me to fill out a Goodwill application, and to make sure her name was on it as a reference. She also suggested I put a resume with it, because she's been telling various managers about me! I filled out the app and left it for Marilyn, then headed home.
Thursday early afternoon I got a call from the manager at the Goodwill in Fisher's Landing, which is Vancouver eastside. She told me that Marilyn had given her my resume and said I'd be a perfect fit as a cashier for the store...and would I be available for an interview the next morning at 11? YES!!!!!!!!
Friday 11 am: I showed up for my interview, but the manager only had my resume. Apparently, Marilyn didn't give her the application I'd already filled out. I was a bit peeved that I had to take time to fill out another one, but thankfully I had all the info with me. When I was finished filling out app #2, the interview began. It lasted about an hour, the manager talking to me first, then the assistant manager coming in for a few minutes after that. I was given a 27 question math test...oh, great. Math is not my strong suit, so I was pretty stoked when I was told that I could use scratch paper and/or a calculator!! The manager came back in after I was finished (I checked that test twice!), and said that up to 5 wrong answers were allowed for a passing grade. I told her that it was pretty easy, except for one question that confused me. She asked which one, and I told her it was #6. She said that EVERYONE misses that question, because it had to do with balancing a till at the end of the night and the amount of cash that was made during the course of the shift. Turns out, I got it right!!!! In fact, I got 100% on the test!!!! YAY!!!! After the test, the manager said, "Well, I'm making you a contingent job offer!" SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! This job is a direct answer to prayer: PERMANENT, FULL-TIME, BENEFITS!!!!! I am beyond stoked for this, not just because it's a job, but because it's my area of expertise: face-to-face customer service!!
But first things first...I was sent Downtown to do a drug test. I need to pass that, as well as a criminal background check in order to be officially hired. Both records are 100% spotless, so all I need to do is wait for Corporate to get in touch with my manager to let her know I've passed the screens, then she can let me know where I need to go for training on Monday and Tuesday, August 8th and 9th. All I know is that it's in Portland (LOVE!!). After that, I'm not sure when I'll actually be starting in the store, but I do know that my schedule will be pretty much set, with 2 consecutive days off each week...very cool!!! Yeah, Baby, yeah!!!
I am so thankful to God for this opportunity, and thankful for all the people who have been praying for me. I find it really neat that it happened on my 3-month anniversary of moving to the PNW...3 is a great number! ;-)
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
What The...?!
I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but after that 3-hour phone call earlier tonight...wow.
My head is spinning and my heart is pounding. They say that God works in mysterious ways. Talk about an understatement!! *lol*
Thankfully, I've got a few people praying for me: praying for wisdom and the strength to be obedient to God's will for my life. And God has heard those prayers!! I had the courage and strength to be honest enough to say what was on my heart...and I know those words came from the Holy Spirit, because they were against what I really wanted. I've earned respect for speaking my mind. I like that. I like the rest of it as well. And that post on Facebook about the call...I like that a lot, especially since there are mutual acquaintances.
I'm thankful also for the "cushions" and "safety nets" of time and distance...for now. I consider those both to be huge blessings, because I need to process. I need to pray. I need to be sure. Wow. Sometimes I shake my head and whisper, "Wow." I mean, it's been a long time coming (ROGER SONG!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSH, IT TOTALLY FITS!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!), and I certainly don't believe in coincidence. These things are happening for a reason, and at this exact moment in time! Wow...
Lord, You know me better than I know myself...and I know You wouldn't have given me this if You thought I couldn't handle it. I will continue to look to You for wisdom, strength, and courage to do what You would have me do. After all, I am living for You. It feels really awesome to be able to say that, because it means that I'm not obsessing...dang, that feels SO good!! One day at a time, with Your help, Lord...and I'll be taking my 90-day chip next Sunday!! Yeah, that's good stuff. Help me remain focused on You, sweet Jesus...I love You so much!!
Oh, and Lord, please help me help those who would seek to know You better...especially because they want to do it for themselves, and not for me. But knowing that sharing my testimony has been the catalyst feels really good, too. Wow...
Just...wow.
My head is spinning and my heart is pounding. They say that God works in mysterious ways. Talk about an understatement!! *lol*
Thankfully, I've got a few people praying for me: praying for wisdom and the strength to be obedient to God's will for my life. And God has heard those prayers!! I had the courage and strength to be honest enough to say what was on my heart...and I know those words came from the Holy Spirit, because they were against what I really wanted. I've earned respect for speaking my mind. I like that. I like the rest of it as well. And that post on Facebook about the call...I like that a lot, especially since there are mutual acquaintances.
I'm thankful also for the "cushions" and "safety nets" of time and distance...for now. I consider those both to be huge blessings, because I need to process. I need to pray. I need to be sure. Wow. Sometimes I shake my head and whisper, "Wow." I mean, it's been a long time coming (ROGER SONG!!!!!!!! OHMYGOSH, IT TOTALLY FITS!!!!! WHOA!!!!!!!), and I certainly don't believe in coincidence. These things are happening for a reason, and at this exact moment in time! Wow...
Lord, You know me better than I know myself...and I know You wouldn't have given me this if You thought I couldn't handle it. I will continue to look to You for wisdom, strength, and courage to do what You would have me do. After all, I am living for You. It feels really awesome to be able to say that, because it means that I'm not obsessing...dang, that feels SO good!! One day at a time, with Your help, Lord...and I'll be taking my 90-day chip next Sunday!! Yeah, that's good stuff. Help me remain focused on You, sweet Jesus...I love You so much!!
Oh, and Lord, please help me help those who would seek to know You better...especially because they want to do it for themselves, and not for me. But knowing that sharing my testimony has been the catalyst feels really good, too. Wow...
Just...wow.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
I always knew that blood was thicker than water. So wouldn't it stand to reason that blood would be thicker than other things as well? Politics, for instance? Apparently not.
The other day, I posted to Facebook a simple video for a song by a member of my all-time favorite band. The video was nothing more than one man's opinion from 1994 of someone who happens to be in the news currently. Things got a bit heated because the first comment to be posted was from a friend who insulted the writer of the song. Of course, I had to jump in to defend said musician. Apologies were made, and things were cool....or so I thought.
Anyone who truly knows me knows how I feel about politics: epic dislike!! I am able to "agree to disagree" if things remain civil, but I would much prefer to not discuss politics at all. Well, a family member had added 2 rather lengthy comments to the post by the time I got up today, and not only were they completely out of context with the video, but they were also a bit on the rude side. I defended my stance, but was essentially told I was wrong...even about my own reasons for posting the video in the first place! There was no "agreeing to disagree" this time, because the person in question was being extremely stubborn in their viewpoint and not willing to listen to mine.
Eventually I deleted the entire thread in order to keep things from escalating further...but later on I found out that this family member who was being so bullheaded had actually deleted me from their Facebook!! Seriously?!? Life is too short for this kind of immature crap!!!
I am willing and able to admit when I'm wrong, but in this case the only thing I was wrong about is blood being thicker than politics...
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