I had a massive breakthrough during my counseling session yesterday and the more I think about it, the more I feel its freeing impact...to the point of joyful tears through giddy laughter. And only God could pull off such an amazing work in my life!!
Sometimes it's hard to find a counselor with whom you truly click, but I've been seeing Mitra for a couple months now and we've made a really great connection. The goal of my therapy is to overcome deep insecurities about myself. These feelings of inadequacy stem from relentless teasing when I was a kid regarding certain physical attributes, as well as being under the impression that men would rather watch porn than make love to their girlfriends/wives. I also felt like all men were cheaters. These views were reinforced from about 1997-2001 when I was in a relationship with a jerk who seemed to prove my theories correct. It's been a long, difficult road from the end of that relationship to the incredible marriage I now have with a man who is the complete opposite of Mr. Jerk. Even so, being married to the most amazing man on the planet has taken some getting used to in regards to my insecurities.
Our first couple years together were comprised of my constant unsubstantiated worry that my new husband was going to cheat on me. It took quite a while for it to sink in that since his ex-wife had cheated on him more than once, why the heck would he subject ME to that kind of pain, especially since I already knew how devastating that feels?! Duh, he never would!! My man is a man of integrity...he always has been. But as long as it took me to truly trust that he wasn't going anywhere, I still cringed whenever I saw beautiful women on TV and in movies, especially if we were watching those things together. Sometimes I would refuse to watch a movie with him at all because of who was in it. Mr. Jerk had done all he could to make me feel extremely unattractive and I brought those insecurities with me into my marriage. I had been conditioned to think all men got turned on by certain actresses and those actresses were the only reason a guy would watch a specific movie or TV show. Well, Mr. Amazing Husband has spent over 3 years trying to prove me wrong through comforting words of affirmation and sweet displays of loving affection. It's still difficult for me sometimes to not compare myself to these "perfect" women and feel unattractive by the mere mention of their names, but I'm a whole lot better than I was when we first got married...a definite work in progress.
God, of course, has had His hand in this situation from the beginning and very recently has gotten involved in a big way. On April 20th, Pastor Kelly did a sermon about not trusting ourselves and what we can do to reverse that. One thing that struck me was Kelly saying that God places us on proud display: Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's masterpiece." Like an artist with his medium of choice, each one of us has been individually crafted by God with the utmost care and patience, using the finest materials fashioned from love. Until Kelly said it, I had never even thought about it...not even any of the times my husband has said to me, "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, but more importantly, I wish you could see yourself through God's eyes." I realize now that God was trying to speak to me through the man He set aside for me before time was even invented.
So that word "masterpiece" has been rattling around my head since Kelly's message and I've been trying to remind myself of it as often as possible. It's actually been easier to remember than I thought it would be, which is pretty incredible in itself. The ladies in my LifeGroup have been very encouraging in my struggles with insecurity, reminding me that women on TV and in movies don't wake up looking like that and there's a whole lot of Photoshopping going on in magazines. More importantly, they remind me that I am indeed God's beautiful masterpiece.
Back to yesterday's session with Mitra. I told her all about the masterpiece thing, to which she asked, "So what would that look like in your life? How will you keep reminding yourself?" And that's when God "downloaded" (thank you, Pastor Mike, for that word!!) an image into my brain. An image that I've been seeing since the late 70s, all because of a song...of course. I told her as my eyes welled with tears, "It's like my absolute favorite painting, 'The Starry Night,' by Vincent Van Gogh. It doesn't matter how many people like it or don't like it, the fact of the matter remains: IT...IS...A...MASTERPIECE!!" Ohmygosh, there was my "a-ha" moment!! My epiphany!! A masterpiece is a masterpiece regardless of opinion...and so am I, simply because God created me!! The most amazing artist in the history of EVER created me to be His beautiful "Starry Night"!! Oh, how I cried tears of joy...and I think Mitra got a bit misty herself!! LOL!! I decided that having the "Starry Night" image in places where I can see it on a daily basis is going to be the best and easiest way for me to continue reminding myself of my masterpiece status.
Anyone who knows anything about God knows He can be a bit of a show-off, so this morning He threw icing on my cake: a Van Gogh quote that says, "There are no ugly women." Yeah, you guessed it...I cried through giggles.
I shared my amazing news with my husband today, which really excited him. He looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Welcome to the rest of your life. Welcome to yourself...your beautiful self." Thank you, my husband...and thank You, my God.
